Catastrophic Couples Conflict and How to Prevent It
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
Transform fretful fights into calm conversations
Do all couples fight?
In short, yes, all couples fight.
Conflict won’t always look the same with every couple. It can be relatively peaceful or utterly catastrophic, but we all disagree.
All couples’ conflict contains two very important parts:
The actual problem, and
How the couple talks about the problem.
The actual problem doesn’t have to be something big. In fact, the number one thing couples fight about is… nothing. For example,
After crawling into our lovely warm bed, my husband and I began to walk the tightrope walk between calm conflict and fretful fight. It seems ridiculous – the conversation was about almost nothing, an issue so small that neither of us saw it coming.
Our old fan had acquired a clicking sound, so my husband purchased a new fan, which had a little blue light on it. Just a small one, but enough to keep me from sleeping. I wanted it off. I went to get some electrical tape to put over the blue light on the fan. When he realized my intention, my husband scoffed, “Is it really that bad?”
Besides the facts – the sensory input we take in through the world, we also have our subjective interpretation, what things mean to us.
I understood he didn’t want me to put tape on the new fan he just bought. But he is not bothered by little noises or odd lights. I am.
This malevolent blue light made me feel like I couldn’t concentrate, relax, or even think. It signified another barrier against falling asleep, anther night of tossing and turning, another morning waking up exhausted. To my husband, it was just a tiny blue light. No problem.
Since we are all different people, different things have different meaning. The same situation can have two very different subjective interpretations.
There is no way the other person can know our subjective interpretations unless we tell them.
Although at times it really does feel as if my husband can read my mind, most of the time he can’t.
At this point we make a critical teeny tiny error… a common mistake that has caused fights for more couples than I could count.
Thinking a partner “should” know.
As that demonic blue light stared at me, I wanted my husband to read my mind. I thought he should just know what was bothering me. However, because he does not live in my brain, he does not always understand how things impact me. After all, it’s not happening to him.
So now we are getting to the nitty gritty of couples’ conflict.
1. The actual problem in this case is a teeny tiny evil little blue light
Where couples take a disagreement and blow it up is in how they talk to each other.
It’s an air of condescension, a touch of criticism, disgust, a raise in volume, or sarcasm that transforms a peaceful disagreement to a fretful fight.
Do you know what the number 1 predictor of divorce is?
Harsh start up.
My partner and I have had enough fretful fights in our relationship that we are fully aware of our strengths and weaknesses. We are also pretty committed to a peaceful loving relationship… most of the time.
When he implied that the little blue light wasn’t a big deal, I realized we were teetering on the edge of a fight. Honestly, I can hardly remember what came next. I could feel my body getting tight and a tension rising into my chest.
Emotional flooding is when you can’t even think or see straight all of a sudden. It was happening to me in an instant. I felt dismissed and rejected by the hint of disbelief from my partner. This is where this conversation had the potential to go awry – that critical moment where the issue is no longer about the tiny blue light.
Thank goodness for relationship repairs and a commitment to soft start ups.
I didn’t plan this, couldn’t have if I wanted to. I was too worked up. But I looked at my wonderful husband, who I knew did not actually mean to hurt me, and I had the wherewithal in that moment to say something about not wanting to fight.
I used the antidote to harsh start up, which is a soft start up. I was kind and respectful in how I communicated that I didn’t want to fight. To his credit, he accepted my influence (he must have seen the fight coming too). He said he loved me, and we went to bed, crisis averted. I got to smother the little blue light and he let it go.
We dealt with two problems. 1. The little blue light. 2. The communication problem.
You and your partner are different people, you have different histories and different irritations in life. It’s what makes relationships so endlessly interesting. At the same time, it means that simple situations about almost nothing have the potential to morph into a fretful fight. That potential is inevitable.
The solution is being able to talk about issues – whether they can be resolved or not, whether they are insignificant or not – in respectful ways.
You may want your partner to change or compromise but remember to always talk to them like they are someone you love, even if you aren’t seeing eye to eye. Stay away from the harsh words and criticism when you aren’t getting along. Because how you talk to your partner can make all the difference between opinion friction and catastrophic conflict.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.