Common Mistakes Couples Make in Conflict
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
How would you describe your argument style when you’re in conflict with your partner?
Do you always need to win?
Do you refuse to hear your partner out, emotionally withdraw, or shut down in conversations?
Do you judge what your partner is saying?
Do you put up walls to protect yourself?
Do you feel you need to fix everything?
We tend to use a couple of different styles, some of us are expert compromisers, others can avoid arguments like we’re using bullet time.
But when the fighting starts, there are a few things that are best avoided, if you can.
Not Listening
Maybe you have a solution, but your partner is still telling you the problem, going on about it. So you interrupt them to share your opinion.
While your solution may be excellent, listening needs to come before advice. It helps to hear your partner out.
For most of us, it feels so much more rewarding when someone hears you, understands the problem, respects your feelings, and then offers a solution. Jumping straight to the solution can leave your partner feeling unheard or disrespected.
Failure to Fix
Not repairing during conflict can make small issues MUCH larger.
Even when you’re in conflict, it’s important to not lose sight of the fact that your partner is someone you love.
Try to make repairs the moment something goes wrong. Repairs can be done using statements like:
● That was harsh. Can I try that again?
● I am sorry I grouched at you. You didn’t deserve that reaction.
● That was louder than I intended, I’m sorry I yelled at you.
Refusing Assistance
Relationship repairs are good, but there is another key aspect to making relationship repairs that often gets missed. The mistake is not letting your partner make it better too.
If you want to solve the problem, try asking your partner to meet your need. If you are upset because they ignored you, ask them to give you their full attention.
I want to feel respected and heard. Next time, can you please pause the game while we talk?
And finally,
The Four Horsemen
Be aware of and try to avoid what Gottman referred to as the 4 horsemen of relationships. They are:
Criticism- starting your complaint like there is a defect in your partner’s personality or you give your partner a negative attribution
Contempt- talking down to your partner, often with the goal to insult or injure
Defensiveness- warding off attack, placing the blame back on your partner, or playing innocent victim
Stonewalling- disengaging from the interaction either physically or emotionally, or shutting down
Conflict doesn’t look the same for every couple. It can be relatively peaceful or utterly catastrophic, but we all disagree from time to time. The key is being able to talk about issues – whether they can be resolved or not, whether they are insignificant or not – in respectful ways with the person you love.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.