How to Do Conflict
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
What Aliens Could Tell Us About Toxic Communication Patterns
In their research, Drs. John and Julie Gottman studied relationships and identified what they call the Four Horsemen of conflict discussions. When these communications styles make up the majority of interactions, the relationship breaks down.
For a quick introduction in to the Four Horsemen, watch this short video.
4 Ways to Create a Fight
Imagine we are being spied on by aliens who want to perfect a formula for creating conflict. By watching couples on earth in action, the aliens can pinpoint ways that conflicts begin. While not all relationship disasters are the same, there are certainly patterns.
A ship breaks through the atmosphere, their ride is a sleek black UFO with no straight angles. Inside the aliens are watching the daily lives of couples on their huge 3D screen. These aliens are relationship masters who have studied conflict patterns on many planets, and they want to see what earth couples are up to. They scan for four patterns that can cause relationship disasters.
1. Stonewalling
It’s Friday night, and Marg wants to hit the latest Drive-in movie that just opened. Excited, she tells Mary that she bought them tickets for the 7:30pm show. Mary looks and her and responds with, “Why would we do that? It’s cold.”
Feeling deflated Marg says, “Come on, you like movies, I just want to get out of the house and spend some time with you. Let’s dress warm and go.” Mary stars blankly at Marg, not saying a word.
Eventually Marge raises her voice, “Mary, you don’t even care about me!” Mary walks out of the room. Here the aliens can see Mary behaving like the typical stonewaller.
2. Contempt
The aliens tune in on Lisa and Eduardo. On their screen, they see Lisa cleaning up dinner as Eduardo calls, “Lisa- where are the towels?”
Lisa replies, “I’m just being honest, but come on Eduardo, don’t you think you should know?” The aliens are absolutely shocked at the verbal jab, with the intent being to insult.
He responds by saying, “I would never talk to you like that.”
Horrified they watch Eduardo and Lisa as the contempt continues. Lisa sneers and snickers, “Come on Eduardo, what am I your slave?”
He glares as he says, “Lisa, how would you like it if I talked to you that way?”
3. Criticism
The aliens were feeling very upset after watching this subtly cruel exchange, so they tune in to watch Ericka and Chris. Chris is a laid-back guy, who prefers to avoid conflict. After watching Eduardo and Lisa, the aliens need a break. They thought a conflict with Laid-Back Chris would be easier to stomach. The 3D images of Chris and Erika appear. Ericka walks to the couch and sits down next to Chris.
He says, “Hey babe,” and scoops her into his arms. The aliens sigh with relief, hoping this interaction will go better. They have no idea this one is going to turn into a doozy.
Erika snuggles into Chris and says, “Babe, I’ve been upset about something, I need to get it off my chest, can we please talk about it right now?” The aliens are relieved because this seems like a good start and they need something to go right.
Chris responds, “Oh babe, the football just started, and my favorite team is on, can this please wait until later?” The aliens hold their breath. She brings it up, but then he avoids it. They hope she will just move on, but she doesn’t. Instead, she switches to criticism.
She protests, “You never think about how you watching the game impacts me. This is so selfish!” The aliens cringe: they are afraid of what will come next.
4. Defensiveness
The aliens are on the edges of their black mitotic seats, leaning in, biting their claw-like nails, they have no idea how Chris, a super laid-back guy is going to react. “Yeah babe, I know, I can be selfish sometimes.”
The aliens let out a breath, but Ericka replies, “You don’t even care about me, all you think about is yourself.”
On the screen Chris starts to tremble, he says, “Look, the problem isn’t me, the problem is you and your neediness.” The aliens are confused, they know how much Chris loves Erika. But he is reacting like he’s under attack. He countered and hit the target right where it hurts.
Huge tears fall from Erika’s eyes and splatter on the floor. The aliens feel the pain with her, her attachment figure isn’t responsive to her needs. They wonder, why wasn’t Chris responsive? Are televised games so important to humans? The aliens probe Chris’ brainwaves and find a surprising emotion: shame. Shame that he has upset the one he loves most.
Destination: Conflict
Bewildered, the aliens watch and watch and watch, and they see many examples of these four communication patterns. They find that while all couples fall into these conflict patterns from time to time, those who used these as their main communication modes tend to end in relationship disaster.
If you’re wondering how to tell what is leading your conflicts to disaster, imagine an alien tuned into a conflict with your partner. What would they see?
Criticism- a phrase that points to a flaw in your partner?
Contempt- talking to your partner with an air of superiority, often with the goal to insult or injure?
Defensiveness- warding off an attack and placing the blame back on your partner? Or
Stonewalling- disengaging from the interaction either physically or emotionally?
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.