How We Empathize
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
4 Steps to Understanding Your Partner’s Feelings
Using Empathy Could Be the Key to a More Loving Relationship
How do we empathize?
When building, nurturing, or repairing your relationship, one of the tools in your toolkit is empathy. But what is empathy, and how can we use it to develop the emotional intimacy we want?
Empathy is the ability to understand the feelings of another, to understand their point of view, and why they feel the way they do. Theresa Wiseman outlines four qualities to help us empathize in her 4 Attributes of Empathy. It might not come naturally to some, but with effort and practice it’s possible.
1. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes
2. Do not judge
3. Consider your partner’s feelings
4. Communicate your understanding
In Their Shoes
The first thing to do is put yourself in your partner’s shoes―really get in their shoes and attempt to see the world the way they view it (not your opinion of their views). Here are some straightforward examples from couples in conflict:
Dennis totally loses it when Alice leaves towels on the floor.
Hiran hates that Arya fishes for compliments all the time.
Stacy is hurt when Bill says he needs alone time.
To get into their shoes, apply your knowledge of your partner. It’s not about how you would think, but how they think.
To Dennis, wet towels on the floor feels disrespectful.
Arya is feeling vulnerable and needs to build up from an area of strength.
For Bill, walking away is how he keeps from saying something hurtful. He is trying to repair, not make things worse.
Judge Not
The second key quality is to be non-judgmental, and this is hard. Rather than considering our view about how someone should or shouldn’t do something, simply seek to understand the view of the other without opining about it.
It doesn’t matter if it’s not how you would feel in the same circumstances. In fact, that’s rather the point.
Towels on the floor may not matter to you. Maybe you’d prefer to offer Arya compliments in your own time, without being prompted. And maybe Bill shouldn’t run away from an argument. But when you’re reaching out in empathy, what really matters is how your partner feels in that moment.
Consider Their Feelings
You may have to guess about how they would be feeling, but give it a shot. You may surprise yourself. And if you can’t imagine what they’re feeling, ask.
Communicate Your Understanding
Lastly, communicating understanding to our partner―that there is some part of their view, or position that makes sense to us, that we can validate. This does not mean agreement or condoning something, it simply means you see where they are coming from.
“I get that you feel like I don’t respect you. That’s frustrating.”
“I know things have been hard, and you don’t really feel like yourself. I understand.”
“You walked away to keep things from escalating. I get that. Let’s talk when you’re ready, and we’ll make sure you’re comfortable as we go.”
When we can share our stories and both partners practice empathy, we can come up with joint solutions from this place of strength. This is another way that couples can actively work towards change together. So when you start to feel that disconnect, don’t forget about empathy.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.