How Relationships Keep the Pain Away
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
Extraordinary Benefits of Emotional Intimacy
Emotional Connection and Pain Buffering
Feeling got and understood by your partner really feels nice. You get the sense that someone is on your team, someone has your back. It feels like in this great big world, with all the things that could go wrong, you have someone who can brave the tough stuff with you and hold your hand.
What is interesting and kind of amazing is that when we feel close, connected, and secure with our partners, their presence can literally protect us from pain- even physical. It’s no wonder we crave close emotional connection with our partners.
This May Shock You
In a study by Psychologist Jim Coan he tested the impact of having your partner with you when you are in an MRI machine and may or may not be shocked when a little red light turns on. He found that knowing that this little red light may or may not produce a shock activated the stress centers in women’s brains. It made them anxious, which is understandable. Jim’s research showed that when the women held the hand of their partner while undergoing the experiment, the stress center was not as stressed. Even better, the women who had really strong relationships experienced even less stress.
A Comforting Touch
This reminds me of when I had Lasik eye surgery. I was really nervous about it. Although I knew many people who had successful undergone Lasik eye surgery, and I’m not really an anxious person, prior to my surgery I was visibly anxious. They asked me if I wanted an Ativan, I had never taken one before, but in this case, under medical supervision, it seemed like a good time to take one. They preformed the surgery on the person after me while they waited for the medication to take effect. When my turn came, I was still visibly trembling. I’ve really got to give it to my eye surgeon, he was very good. He directed one of the assistants in the room to stop what they were doing and hold my hands. As the stranger I couldn’t see (because my eye lids were clamped open) touched my hands, I immediately began to relax. I used their sense of calm and the warmth of their hands to soothe me. This is a person I’d never met, and even if I walked past them on the street of downtown Toronto, I wouldn’t recognize them. This person literally served as a buffer against my anxiety. It makes me wonder how I would have done if my husband was holding my hand.
A Source of Comfort
Close physical touch with an emotionally safe and secure person, and even comforting touch with a stranger serves as a buffer against distress and physical pain. Not only does a safe and secure relationship help with emotional distress and pain, but it helps us heal physically and can prevent against diseases.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.