Normal Reactions to Learning Your Partner was Unfaithful
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
It’s like the world as you know it just shattered into a million pieces, and you can’t fathom how to put it back together.
Whether you’re struggling with racing thoughts, fits of tears, rage, flashbacks, or wondering why, this blog is for you.
These are normal reactions to learning your partner was unfaithful.
Intense Emotions
Learning about an affair feels like the walls are caving in and the rug was pulled out from under you. Huge feelings so despair, betrayal, rage, shame, fear, sadness, hurt, or numbness and detachment are normal.
If you’re wondering if the pain ever goes away, it does. Getting over the hurt takes time, and productive actions that help you heal, together or individually. For more on the first steps of healing, check out the blog 6 Steps to Rebuild Your Relationship After Infidelity.
Flashbacks
The mind is hijacked by unwanted and disturbing thoughts about the affair. Clips, images, and questions are swirling around in your mind. It’s as if the off switch is broken and you can’t turn them off. The thoughts and often intensely painful.
Filled with Suspicion
Questions spin in your mind. Overwhelming feelings of mistrust invade even mundane interactions.
How do you know it's over?
Will it happen again?
What else will they lie about?
Endless Questions
Shattered hearts attempt to find solace in answers. Careful asking is important. Asking questions about frequency, how it started, how it ended, and safe sex practices can lead to healing. Questions about the nature of sexual relationship often lead to disturbing flashbacks, and specific questions about sex should be avoided.
Why
Above all other questions, often the biggest question is why. Chances are the answer will not be satisfying, and will not make sense.
Longstanding Hurt and Anger
The walls of what once felt safe, are now torn down leaving you exposed and broken without protection. The pain of an affair can last for months to years. Even after the affair is worked through and all seems well, a trigger can lead to resurfacing of old hurt.
Unsure if You Should Stay or Go
Conflicting views about what it means to say with a partner after an affair can leave you spinning your wheels about which course to take. It can take days, weeks, months or years to decide if you want to rebuild the shattered marriage.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.