Sex After Infidelity
How to know when you’re ready for physical intimacy with your partner
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
Many of my clients have mixed feelings about sex after infidelity. They say things like…
“Part of me wants to connect with him like that again- to feel wanted by him, but part of me can’t imagine letting him touch me after he was with her.”
“I hate that she did this, I’m still so angry at her, but our sex is better than ever.”
“I long for touch, but I am disgusted by him sexually. I want to see if we can work it out, but I’m not sure how I will ever let him touch me again.”
Do you relate?
If your partner has been unfaithful, you are likely overwhelmed by all sorts of mixed emotions. It can feel like a tug-of-war going on inside you. Part of you is pulled back to your partner, while your protection mechanisms push you away.
Here are some tips to help you evaluate when you are ready for sex with your partner.
Sex and Intimacy are Often the Final Pieces of the Puzzle
Romance and eroticism need to wait until both partners are ready. Steps to take prior to sex include the partner who had the affair, showing remorse, taking responsibility, and helping their partner verify no further betrayals are going on.
Having sex before it is safe can lead to flashbacks and a resurgence of trauma symptoms.
After it’s been established affair is over and the betraying partner is working to demonstrate they are changing, the couple needs to rebuild their relationship. This includes talking through past emotional injuries, finding new shared meaning in their relationship, and finding daily meaningful ways to connect.
If the betrayal is recent, check out the blog 6 Steps to Rebuild Your Relationship After Infidelity for more tips on the early stage of healing.
Rebuild Shared Meaning
We all have a life story. After affairs, the shared story, shared meaning you and your partner have built is in shambles. What were once shared beliefs and values, no longer exist. Before getting back to sex, consider if you have devoted time to co-writing a story for your lives, including beliefs, and values you want to bring into your relationship moving forward.
Create Non-Sexual Ways to Connect
Creating rituals around connecting is important. Affairs often break down previous rituals of connection. Putting new rituals in place prevents from weeks going by without the opportunity for connection. These times could be around comings and goings, dinner, or bedtimes. Having non-sexual ways to connect is important before reintroducing sex.
Talk About Outside Stressors
Intentional effort to connect and support each other is critical to building a foundation of trust, commitment, and friendship. The key to being a supportive listener is seeking to understand. Place focus on the emotional connection. After you have demonstrated understanding, move to problem solving (if problem solving is needed or wanted).
Prioritize Cherishing
Putting on rose colored glasses to see your partner in a positive light can be hard after an affair. This doesn't mean ignoring things going wrong. After your partner has demonstrated remorse and shown you they can be trusted you might be willing to rebuild your relationship. If you’re going to rebuild it’s key to spend time tuning in to what you appreciate, admire, or cherish about each other. Notice something you are fond of about your partner daily.
Conversations About Initiating, Refusing, and Flashbacks
Sex is erotic, beautiful, and intimate. It can strengthen and add to a relationship. After an affair, it can also be triggering, bringing on negative emotions or flashbacks about the affair. It is important to anticipate this and plan for self-soothing. The couple should plan for the hurt partner’s feelings and need to say "stop" during sex if these things do come up. The couple should have open conversation about how to initiate sex, what refusal means, and what each partner needs if there is a refusal. Couples should also plan for how they want to handle flashbacks during a sexual encounter.
Deciding you are ready for sex is a personal choice. Tune in with yourself and see if you feel ready and if there is anything mentioned in this blog you still need before being ready.
It is okay to be ready one week, then change your mind. Healing isn’t always a straight line.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.