3 Reasons You’re Having Conflicts, Not Peaceful Conversations
By Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
Couples often tell me they want to communicate better.
They want:
Tools for how to communicate,
A more peaceful relationship,
A level of respect and kindness.
I think almost everybody can relate to that. These are wonderful goals for couples.
But it can be very hard to communicate well when you’re upset and don’t have the tools for productive disagreement.
It’s normal and even healthy for couples to disagree. But how you disagree has the power to lead you to deeper understanding and productive problem solving, or harsh words, raised voices, and hurt feelings.
Here are 3 mistakes that often lead to conflict:
1. Making negative assumptions about what your partner thinks
2. Failing to turn towards your partner’s bid for connection
3. Micro-looks of negativity while your partner is speaking
Mistake 1: Making negative assumptions
When people are upset, negative emotions creep in, coloring their thinking. This is called emotional reasoning. It’s very normal and we all do it. The more upset you are, the more you will read someone’s intentions as matching your emotions.
For example, a couple was discussing their expectations of balancing childcare responsibilities.
Husband: “I want to be able to go play pool with my friends on a Saturday. I don’t want to feel guilty about going or feel like I’m going to have to make up the time the next day. I want us both to get to have free time.”
Wife: “It’s because you think raising children is a woman’s job.”
Not only does the wife take what he’s said negatively, but the way she says it is critical of him. Criticism highlights a perceived shortcoming in your partner’s personality or gives them a negative attribution. Criticism is a predictor of relationship deterioration.
It’s okay to have feelings and beliefs about how parenting and free time should be split. It’s also reasonable to not want to be the default parent all the time. But how she presents her opinion (by giving his opinion a negative interpretation) is going to cause conflict.
As the default parent and woman in my household, I know how easy it is to make this particular negative assumption. I’ve thought the same thing when upset. It’s not that the thought is wrong - it’s okay to have thoughts. However, stating them as a criticism and not listening to your partner will get in the way of a productive path forwards.
Mistake 2: Failing to turn towards a bid for connection
A bid for connection tries to get your partner’s attention, affection, connection. You respond to a bid by turning towards, away, or against.
The bid for connection
Wife: “Let’s sit down and plan our week. There is so much going on with the kids and we need to find time to connect.”
Turning away
Husband: “Uhhh, I’m cooking dinner.”
Wife: “When you’re done cooking dinner.”
Husband: “There’s so much to do. Maybe once everything’s done.”
Wife (getting louder): “Seriously, that’s why I want to make a plan, so we can divide and conquer. Be a team player.”
Husband (getting louder): “I am a team player. Don’t you see me making dinner? I can’t talk because of all the things I have to do around here.”
Wife (yelling): “Obviously I can see you making dinner. I just want to have a 5-minute conversation. Is that so hard?!”
Turning against
Husband: “You always get like this, that’s why I don’t want to talk.”
Turning towards a bid means noticing your partner has made a bid and engaging with them. In this case it might have sounded like, “Sure, let me finish making dinner and we can make a plan.”
Turning away from a bid means missing the bid, or not acknowledging it. In this case the husband just saying they are cooking. Not saying yes, not making that time to connect.
Turning against means rejecting the bid, or using defensiveness, criticism, or contempt.
In a 6-year study with newlyweds, Dr. John Gottman found that couples that stayed together turned towards each other 86% of the time, whereas couples that got divorced only turned towards each other 33% of the time. As we see in this example, the turn towards was missed, leading to conflict.
Mistake 3: Micro looks of negativity
It’s normal to disagree with your partner.
Husband: “I feel unheard - unacknowledged. Our kids don’t listen. I don’t know how to get anyone to listen. My frustration boils over and I start yelling. And you know what? It works. Finally, you listen. Finally, the kids stop fighting, finally there’s peace. I don’t know how to get any of you to listen if I don’t yell.”
Wife: Silent. All the time he is speaking, she is glaring, rolling her eyes, shaking her head.
All behavior is communicative. The wife’s silent behaviors are saying, “You’re wrong,” and showing general disrespect for what her partner is saying. It’s subtly displaying contempt.
Contempt is when you use words or behaviors that place you in a position of relative superiority over your partner or attempt to insult or injure them. This will sabotage the conversation and destroy your relationship.
If you want respectful communication that doesn’t turn into conflict, you must stay away from micro negative looks while your partner is talking. This is not easily overcome, many people do it without thinking.
First you have to be willing to communicate differently, even when you disagree. Recognize you both have different and equally valid views (even if you don’t like it). It’s important to be able to listen, without any interruption or negative faces. Just listen.
Creating a safe dialogue where both opinions can be heard, communicated, and understood is a pathway to creating peace and respect. Only when both partners feel heard and understood, can you create lasting solutions that build a bridge between you. The first step to problem solving is really listening and understanding. This is the path to conversations, not conflicts.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.