24. 4 Ways to Create a Fight
If Aliens wanted to know how to have a conflict, this is how you would do it.
In this episode we explore what aliens would see on their 3D TV screen if they were watching couples on early do conflict in a way that’s going to lead to problems.
What is talked about:
The Gottman’s Four Horsemen
Stonewalling
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Other episodes discussed in this podcast- Relationship Psych- Episode 5, 4 Doomed Communication Patterns
Free Guide How to finally get him to listen to you.
This relationship podcast is not meant to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any medical, mental health, or relationship problem. It should not been seen as relationship advice for your specific relationship. Seek out couples therapy or marriage counseling by a practitioner in your area for advice for your specific problem.
Host:
Amber Dalsin., M.Sc., Psychologist. She does Couples Therapy in Toronto. She does virtual individual relationship counseling and virtual couples therapy.
Transcription (this is a close transcription. It may not be 100% accurate.)
4 Ways to Create a Fight
If aliens were watching, and wanted the formula, to create a conflict, this is how you would do it. Imagine we were invaded by a bunch of aliens and they wanted to know how to turn a conversation into conflict that’s a disaster, the aliens would see some predictable things. While not all relationship disasters are the same, there are certainly patterns. If a UFO broke through the atmosphere today and all the alien’s were watching disaster couple’s relationship behavior, here is what the would see. Let’s set the stage, we have a sleek black UFO with no straight angles. Inside the aliens are levitating and watching the humans on their huge 3d screen, it’s like they are there with the couples. These aliens are relationship masters and as they study other planets they want to see what the couples are up to. They tune into 4 patterns that cause some relationship disaster. 1. Stonewalling The aliens tune in to the set of the tv show third season on true detective, where Wayne Hays is burning his clothes in his back yard in the middle of the night. His wife walks out and asks him to talk in the morning. He agrees. The premise of the show is set In the 1980s, where Wayne and his partner Roland West on a case after two children go missing. The next day, the scene is set at a table in a restaurant. She asks him what has happened. He doesn’t tell her. He offers a drink, she declines. She explains she would rather a hard truth of what is going on with him, that a lie. He refuses to include her in what is going on. Eventually, out of her frustration she orders a drink. The aliens tuned in on a real life couple to see if the show had it wrong. They tuned in to watch Marge and Mary. It was Friday night, and Marg wanted to his the latest Drive in movie that just opened. Excited she told Mary that she bought them tickets for the 7:30pm show. Mary looked and her and responded with “why do you want to do that, it’s cold”. Feeling deflated Marg said “common, you like movies, I just want to get out of the house and spend some time with you. Lets dress warm and go.” Mary stared blankly at Marg, not saying a word. Eventually Marge raised her voice, “Mary’ you don’t even care about me”, “ and Mary walked out of the room”. Here was see Mary as the stone waller. 2. Contempt The aliens thought that couples that talked would be more interesting, since they didn’t understand these non-communicative humans. They tuned in on Lisa and Edwardo. On their huge 3d screen, they saw Lisa cleaning up dinner as Edwardo called, Lisa- where are the towels. Lisa responded by saying “I’m just being honest, but common Edwardo, don’t you think you should know.” He restored by saying “I would never talk to you like that”. The aliens were absolutely shocked at these subtle little jabs with the intention to insult each other. Horrified the watched Edwardo and Lisa and contempt continued. Lisa sneered and snickered, common Edwardo, what am I your slave? As he Glared and said “Lisa how would you like it if I talked to you that way.” 3. Criticism The aliens were feeling very upset watching this subtly cruel exchange, so they tuned into watch Ericka and Chris. Chris was a laid back guy, who liked to avoid conflict. After watching Edward and Lisa the aliens needed a break. They thought that since Chris was laid back, the conflict would be easier to stomach. Now just in case you don’t want to use criticism and do want to learn how to talk so your partner finally listens to you, head out to www.emberrelationshippsychology,com for the free guide on how to get him to listen to you. Back to the aliens. It was well established on the aliens home planet that the women were the one who typically played the role of bringing up difficult issues. They heard that on earth, the statistics were the same, that about 80% of the time, it’s the wife who brings up more complicated relationship issues. While on the alien’s home planet, the male pair just went along in the conversation, they would soon see a different pattern among the humans. While it was the same, that 80% of the time the women typically brought up a relationship issue, the male partner typically didn’t go along with it, rather they tried to avoid discussing it. What the aliens learned by watching millions of couples was that, not only unhappy couples the men did this, but also in the happy couples. Ericka however, she didn’t know that even in happy couples a great deal of the time, men attempt to avoid the sticky issues. The 3d images of Chris and Erika appeared. Ericka walked to the couch and sat down next to Chris. He said “hey babe” and scooped her into his arms. The aliens let out an audible sigh of relief hoping this conflict would go better, since Erika and Chris typically overcome conflicts. They had no idea this one was going to turn into a doozy. Erika snuggles in to Chris and says “babe, I’ve been upset about something, I need to get it off my chest, can we please talk about it right now,… the aliens are relieved because they just need something to go right. Chris responds, “oh babe, but the football season just started, and my favorite team is on, can this please wait until later.” The aliens are holding their breath, she brought it up, as was typical for them, but then he avoided which is something they didn’t do, but they hoped since that was normal amongst humans, she would just move on…. But she didn’t. Instead she went to criticism. She protested “you never think about how your watching the game impacts me. This is so selfish.” The aliens cringe… they are afraid of what will come next. Defensiveness The aliens are on the edges of their black mitotic seats, leaning in, biting their claw like nails, they have no idea how Chris, a super laid back guy is going to react. He starts saying “yeah babe, I know, I agree I can be selfish sometimes”, the aliens let out a breath thinking this is going to stop Erika from going on, but she says “You don’t even care about me, all you think about is yourself”. The real size Chris on the screen starts to tremble a touch, he says, “look the problem here isn’t me, I’ve always been this way, the problem here is you and your needs.” Now the aliens are really upset, because they have seen how much Chris loves Erika, but in this moment he feels under attack, Chris feels like he needs to protect himself, so he counter and hit the target right where it hurt. A huge tears start to fall form Erika’s eyes and splatter on the floor. The aliens can’t control their pain. They can feel with her in that moment, that her attachment figure isn’t responsive to her needs. They pause, but why, why wasn’t Chris responsive. Well they guess he really wanted to watch the game and he told her, and she wasn’t willing to wait. The alien’s probe into Chris’ brain and they find a surprising emotion, shame, shame that once again he has upset her-the one he loves me most, and so he just wants to put off the talk until later. Bewildered at the all of the exchanges from the couples, they watch and watch and watch, until they find communication patterns that predict whether a marriage will succeed or fail (The alien’s didn’t do that, it was the Gottman’s). But in this the case the aliens found that while all couples do these from time to time, the couples who had these of their main communication modes were more likely to end in a relationship disaster or break up. If you’re wondering how to tell what is leading your conflicts to disaster, think of what an alien would see if they tuned into a conflict with your partner. Would they see criticism- a phrase that hones in on a flaw in your partner, contempt- talking to your partner with an air of superiority often with a goal to insult or injury, defensiveness- warding off the attack and placing the blame back on your partner, or stonewalling- disengaging from the interaction- could be physically or just emotionally. For more of these for doomed communication styles check out episode 5- 4 doomed communication patterns.
This podcast is not meant to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any mental health or relationship problem. Please see a psychologist, or marriage and family therapist in your area for more help for your specific problem.