14. The Truth About Creating Emotional Intimacy
The Truth About Creating Emotional Intimacy
2 secrets behind getting him to open up.
In this episode we discuss:
What emotional intimacy is to him
Differences in gender and connection
Conditions for emotional intimacy
This podcast is not meant to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure and any medical, relationship, or mental health problem, check with your health care provider or local couples therapist before making changes.
Host: Amber Dalsin is a Psychologist, Marriage Counselor, and podcast host. She is dedicated to sharing the science of relationships to help people make their relationships better.
Transcription
The Truth About Creating Emotional Intimacy
2 secrets behind getting him to open up.
After hundreds of couples therapy sessions, there are a couple big themes, the woman says she wants emotional intimacy.
I am not different.
In my early 20s I went to couples counseling with my long term partner. We started our relationship very close and what I considered emotionally intimate, we would talk for hours and when apart we would text. It felt so intimate. As time passed we could hardly speak to each other. After threating to break up with him he suggested we go to couples therapy. What did I say “I want emotional intimacy”. What the therapist said next shocked me. The therapist said to my partner “do you know what emotional intimacy is”. In my head I thought this was a little silly, because I thought my partner knew since I thought we had once had this wonderful emotional intimacy. To my surprise, my partner said “no”.
The first secret I learned here is: many people do no even know what emotional intimacy is. If they don’t know what it is, of course they cannot make the changes to become more emotionally inmate. Many of my clients related to this. They know their partner is asking for connection, they would do it if they could, but they have no idea how.
Did you know, that most married men would consider their wife their best friend and closest confidant? Whereas many women consider a girlfriend who they share thoughts and feeling with, their best friend. Even if it doesn’t feel 100% intimate, maybe the is the best intimacy your partner can give.
The second secret is: most people who want emotional intimacy create conditions that make their partner fearful to be intimate. What does that mean?
On the TV show Animal Kingdom Cath is married Baz. Baz was adopted at age 12 by Smirf. She grooms him to be the leader of the family robberies. He has a quiet and somewhat kind nature making him likeable, but there is a manipulative self centered side to him. Cath and Baz began dating when they were teenagers, and they eventually marry. However Cath often becomes upset because she has to compete with Smirf. Baz and Cath start taking about having another child and are excited at the prospect. One day, Cath attempt have sex with Baz, and he turn her down. She immediately accuses that Smirf said something. He appears angry and accusatory. Now, rightly so, because Smirf did say something, but what Cath, like many women don’t realize is the raised voice, accusatory tone, and harsh words, repel their partner, not pull them close. In this episode you see her deeply desiring to come first in his life, be the priority and be loved. Her actions push him away.
Take away, it’s okay to be hurt, feel unloved and disrespected, but if the goal is keeping him close, the environment you create in your pain will the be the key to pulling him in.
Here are two secrets: 1 don’t assume he knows what emotional intimacy is. Explain what you need. Don’t say, I need emotional intimacy… because he might be like my ex, very confused on what that is. Say, lets talk about our first date and what we remember, or can you share a favorite memory with me. Or use questions to open the heart.
2. Set optimal conditions for it to feel safe to be close. It’s okay to be hurt, but control your actions.
Notice your partner’s like and who they are close to. Look at the actions the people or objects take that promotes intimacy.
I had a client, who noticed her husband murmured kind words to their dog, and she realized that the dog never made her husband feel unsafe, rather the dog made her husband feel loved. Another client realized her husband was very emotionally expressive to their young children. She noticed the children’s excitement to see their father at the end of the day,t he way they running to hug him and snuggled on his lap. The more the children made him feel loved the more he reciprocated.
