3 Secrets to Fighting Fairly
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
Nasty fighting can turn even the sweetest of relationships sour.
In this short video, I cover why fighting fair matters.
Preparing for Battle
There are differences in the way most men and women prepare for a spat with their spouse. The most common pattern I see is that women come wearing their emotional armour. They are ready to wade in and share thoughts, feelings, and criticisms about what they want.
Men, on the other hand, arrive ready for protection to ward off the attack. They too want the conflict to be over, but their strategy is often focused on ending the fight without engaging emotionally, usually by defending or leaving the situation.
Of course, the roles can be reversed; some men are prepared, resplendent in their emotional armour while their partner is defending or leaving the conversation.
How to Fight Fair
1. Taking Breaks
Is it ever okay to go to bed angry? Is it acceptable to pause the conversation?
Yes. Sometimes taking a break is the best thing to do.
Why do we need a break?
When we are in conflict with our partners, our heart rates rise, and we become emotionally flooded. When this happens, we are more prone to saying things we do not mean, harsh hurtful words that cannot be forgotten.
The Fight Rate Fun fact: There is an optimal heart rate to fighting with your spouse, usually less than 100bpm. So that means when we feel escalated, we need to calm down. Just walking away is likely to set the other person off, so here are some ways to nicely suggest a break:
Honey, I’m feeling flooded, can I have 20 minutes? I promise I will be back.
I want to talk to you, but I can’t find the words. Can we meet back in 20 minutes?
2. Talking about what you want, not what you don’t want
Do you want to find a solution, or do you want to blame your partner for your feelings?
When we are really deeply hurt and it feels like someone kicked us in the gut, we want someone to be responsible for that pain. If it’s someone’s fault we want them to fix it. But they are on the defensive, sporting that armor which does not lend itself to problem solving.
If you want to solve the problem, try asking your partner to meet your need. If you are upset because they were late, stay away from the temptation to blame them for your pain. Don’t focus on their lateness. Rather, discuss how you would like them to be on time.
Hint: it’s not what they did that makes us feel bad, but what that means to us.
So if they were late you may feel they don’t care, they don’t respect you. You could say,
I want to feel respected. If you are going to be late, can you please call?
3. Putting Conflict into Perspective
When in conflict with our partners, our pain shuts out the light. Rather than compounding hate, anger, or despair, intentionally look for positivity-for the light. Light opens opportunities, improves mood, and generates solutions. Think of spring after a winter of dark. The light on our skin simply feels good.
Even in conflict, remember to share what you appreciate with your partner. Lightness is the surprise ingredient that can transform a conflict on a broken record loop into a solvable problem.
The Relationship Is More Important than Winning
Fighting to win is great in the ring or in the boardroom, but your relationship might require you to pull a few punches. It’s ok for your relationship to have conflict, but if you want to return to harmony when the fight is over, remember to always fight fair.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.