Reigniting Loving Feelings with Words
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
Words are essential in getting from loneliness to intimacy.
Long-term relationships are hard. The spark fades, and rather than loving comments, your relationship has ugly complaints.
You don’t listen to me
You think I’m a bad person
You don’t love me
We try to get our partners to connect by being nice for a week, telling them, yelling at them…but none of it is working.
Many couples start to wonder if they are compatible, or if their partner finds them desirable, or even likes them anymore. The confusing and hard thing is that most (not all) partners still love their partner deeply, they just aren’t in lust anymore, and they are stumped about how to communicate that deep love.
What You Hear
If I don’t make you feel special, go find someone else
I’m not a words person, or
It needs to be genuine
Hearing that hurts because you wonder why. Why are they telling me to find someone else? Why isn’t it genuine?
With your chest aching, the walls go up, and rather than finding a way back together, your relationship grows farther apart.
Claire, Jamie, and the Question
In the TV show Outlander, Claire and Jamie have a similar moment on their wedding day.
A little background-I am a hopeless romantic. It’s why I work with couples to reignite emotional intimacy. It fits into my dreams of having and helping others create a love that withstands the test of time.
If you haven’t watched (or read), Outlander follows the story of Claire Randall, a married combat nurse from 1945. Claire and her husband Frank are in Scotland for a second honeymoon, when she is inexplicably transported to 1743 by the stones of Craigh na Dun.
Jamie is a likeable and endearing character who has a knack for getting into fights and protecting those weaker than him. The two characters are acquainted for a short time before their marriage. Most of their encounters involve Claire nursing an injury of his.
After the ceremony, we see them in their room where they are expected to consummate their marriage. Jamie speaks words of fondness and admiration as they share a drink before getting down to business.
Jamie reaches out to reassure her, saying he would not force himself on her.
She cautiously responds, “I have questions.” Unsure of herself she says, “What the hell, might as well come straight out with it.”
I love this moment because she depicts real life so well. She wants to know, but is unsure how to ask: “Why did you agree to marry me?”
Why the Question?
We often ask similar questions of our partners, Why me?
Everyone is searching to feel special, loved, and appreciated. We want to know our partner still chooses us. It’s a difficult question to ask, but when you have doubts or when you’re feeling vulnerable, asking for validation and receiving that from your partner can really help reignite the loving feelings in your relationship.
Knowing that you feel loved and special are two of the foundational elements of intimacy.
Watch this short video to get practical strategies for what to say to reignite loving feelings in your relationship.
The Small Gestures that Aren’t Small at All
Intimacy comes through simple things like saying “Thank you,” for the small things they do around the house, saying “I love you,” telling them a fond memory about a nice time together, or sharing a dream about your future together.
For a step-by-step guide to a long-lasting love, follow the link to get 6 Small Things that Successful and Loving Couples Do to help you reignite the loving feelings.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.