Use Questions to Create Emotional Intimacy with Your Partner
How questions create connection.
After conducting assessments with hundreds of couples, similar problems come up repeatedly. It takes different forms, but sounds like this, “I can’t get my partner to open up,” “I wish we were closer,” “We don’t have intimacy,” “My partner doesn’t talk,” and many more comments indicating that emotional connection is lacking.
Jane and Juan were no different. Being married for 20 years had lots of ups and down, but the last year had taken a toll on them. Juan lost his job, and with that he lost his sense of self. A man who once wore crisp, well-tailored suits to work on the trading floor in a bank, sat in front of me.
He appeared as the ghost of the man he used to be. Juan’s t-shirt looked like it had been pulled from the hamper and his shaggy hair needed a cut. Jane and Juan were in a good financial position and he did not need to work, however Juan’s spirit was crushed, and their financial situation did not provide him relief. As he withdrew into himself, Jane felt as if the man she knew faded away.
They had become strangers. Juan stated he wanted to be close to Jane again but didn’t know how. He also explained they had been to couples therapy before, and the therapy seemed to make things worse, focusing only on problems. He agreed to work with me, if for at least four sessions we stayed away from focusing on the problems. We worked on re-creating their connection in a positive way using questions.
Questions Create Knowing
The need to be got, known, seen, or acknowledged by our partner is at the crux of connection. When we take time to ask thoughtful questions, not just, “How was your day?” We will get different answers.
The goal is to really listen to your partner, to know their inner world, even if you disagree. Questions provide a prompt and a topic that paves the path for how to open up.
Careful Questions Remove Defensiveness
Asking open-ended questions with a curious stance and a tender look in our eyes leaves space for reflection and unprotected answering. Vulnerability comes with safety. When we feel safe, we share more.
Use Questions that Open the Heart
Questions that open the heart are crafted in a way that allows dreams, wishes, beliefs, or values to be explored. While we may think we know what our partner will say, ask anyway. Provide the opportunity for them to share as they would with a friend they have not seen in a long while. The heart opens when it is greeted with a loving container to reveal itself.
Do you need new questions to ask your partner? Check out the FREE pdf Guide: Emotional Intimacy Cheat Sheet, to help you and your partner have a deeper conversation using question, today!
Protect Sharing Time
Creating emotional safety around the time for sharing is the key to it happening again. When the heart starts opening, stay away from conversations that will likely lead to conflict. For intimacy to be created and maintained, there needs to be safe places where we can keep our guards down.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.
