Arguing and Keeping Your Relationship Intact
Do conflict like your partner is someone you love.
“Wishes are thorns, he told himself sharply. They do us no good, just stick into our skin and hurt us.” ―A Face Like Glass, Frances Hardinge
Call them wishes or expectations, when they don’t come true they hurt. It’s okay to have expectations, but they also require flexibility and disappointment.
Why do we argue?
Arguing is a normal part of relationships, the goal is understanding. Everyone comes into relationships with either hopeful expectations about our wishes for love or fearful expectations about what we do not want to come true. Inevitability, in even the best relationship, our wishes are thwarted, or our fears materialize, and we are left with pain.
Emotional or physical pain is a precursor to anger. When we feel this way in conjunction with a fuelling thought like “they are so selfish”, “they don’t care about me”, or “I knew they would let me down” we become angry.
A normal reaction to anger is to cope either by pursuing our partner to have them fix the problem or withdrawing. When this happens, our partner counter attacks, and the argument ensues.
Why arguments continue
It is like you’ve hit a dead-end street and your points are falling on dead ears. Feeling unseen and unheard, you search for a sense of control over the situation and your feelings. A feeling that we have come too far, and we can’t turn back leaves us spinning our wheels. You either give in, or go your separate way, neither is the outcome we want. Struggling to restore emotional connection and feel validated the discord continues.
How to do conflict like your partner is someone you love
Stop in your tracks. Not every weak point needs to be countered, and your shots do not need to be on target. Slow down. Restore some calm to your physical body. Think about your core needs. Think about your partner’s core needs.
Call a cease fire and talk to your partner like you would your best friend. No more attacks, just repairs. You could say things like “I felt attacked, can you please rephrase what you mean in a softer way?”, “I’m sorry, I got heated, if I rephrase this calmer, will you listen?”, “why don’t we take a 20 minute break. I need to cool off so I can look for a reasonable solution.”, “you are my best friend, this got out of hand, can we start again?” or “lets take this down a notch, I’m ready to listen.”.
Comments like this set the stage for the conversation to get back on track.
Look for core needs of you both
Solutions are made of finding new ways to have our core needs met. For example if we require cleanliness and our partner is not naturally tidy and their core need relaxation in their time off, there are many options: hire a cleaner, you are in charge of cleaning and they are in charge of the bills, create a schedule for task you are both willing to do, or become more flexible in your cleaning standards. None of these are the likely solution that is 100% the solution you want, but it’s about a finding a workable solution given each of your unique preferences and ideals.
Keeping the relationship intact
We all come into relationships with expectations, wishes and ideals. That’s okay, but with standards comes disappointment, be ready for it. Also be ready to learn flexibility and problem solving. Choosing any partner means choosing another person with a different set of expectations, wishes and ideals, meaning at some point no matter who you choose you will be let down. Learning to compromise like they are someone you love is at the heart of making it work.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.
