Why Work on Communication?
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
Imagine being heard and understood.
The words you say take you from longing to having your needs met.
Two Reasons You Should Care About Getting Your Needs Met
Lonely and distant are only good words when you are in quarantine, and not when you’re in a relationship. Not getting your needs met over time drives a wedge between partners, leaving two people who were once connected at the hip to find themselves as two stranger ships passing in the night.
In the book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, Attached: the new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find a keep love- they write that the purpose of effective communication serves two primary goals:
To help you pick the right partner for you- basically if you use effective communication, can your partner meet your needs, and if they can’t you have some real thinking to do about if this partner is a good long term fit
To make sure your needs are met in the relationship- old relationship or new relationship.
It seems simple, but expressing your needs is an important part of having them met. Moments when your partner seemingly reads your mind and gets you a glass of water without you asking are lovely, but it’s different when you’re relying on mind reading and guesswork to meet your basic needs or to get you through challenging times.
Being Understood
Feeling got and understood by your partner really feels nice. You get the sense that someone is on your team, someone has your back. It feels good to have a sense that in this great big world, with all the things that could go wrong, you have someone who can brave the tough stuff with you and hold your hand.
Early courtship is overflowing with pleasurable experiences and feeling understood. Couples form almost a secret language just for the two of them. They can talk for hours, text all night, and feel cared about by a glance across the room. In can been indescribably wonderful, that sense our partner understands us, knows us.
That ease of talking with your partner at the start of relationships is helped by pleasure neurotransmitters and pheromones in your brain. If you’re interested in how that works, check out podcast episode 20 Your Brain on Love. These smooth conversations give us the sense that our partner knows us, that we are understood, and we can let them truly see us- maybe we even feel loved.
So many of my couples say they do not understand. Where does understanding come from? That sense our partner is really seeing the world through our eyes, they are looking at it with us.
Navigating Conflict
The conflict cycle is an enemy in the relationship which keeps you from a safe, loving and responsive connection. Sure, all couples do conflict, but how we do the conflict either leads to connection or disconnection.
In the TV show Animal Kingdom Cath is married Baz. Baz was adopted at age 12 by Smurf. She grooms him to be the leader of the criminal family. He has a quiet and somewhat kind nature making him likeable, but there is a manipulative self-centered side to him. Cath and Baz began dating when they were teenagers, and they eventually marry. However Cath often becomes upset because she has to compete with Smurf. Baz and Cath start taking about having another child and are excited at the prospect. One day, Cath attempts to initiate sex with Baz, and he turns her down. She immediately accuses that Smurf said something. His reaction is angry and accusatory. All the past hurts, past disappointment, past moments of broken trust flood into this interaction. And in a moment they lose the seamless ease of early relationship.
It’s pretty normal to have that early easy flow of conversation glitch up the longer you have been with someone. The source can be dramatic and external, or a more everyday conflict. That means you need to intentionally hone your communication skills if you want to handle these hurdles gracefully.
For a little more information about why your conversations might be becoming conflicts, watch the video below.
When It’s Not Easy
This is where a lot of my couples protest- but it should just be natural.
Sure- but think about when it’s natural. When the relationship is good.
When you’re struggling, you need to work to make the communication good again. Communicating well is the first step towards getting that ease and connection back. It takes intention, but it’s worth really trying to be an effective communicator to develop ways of understanding your partner and getting your relationship needs met.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.