I Just Want to Be Heard
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
Emotional reactions when you just aren’t listened to.
Your emotions make sense.
I Just Want to Be Heard
When we don’t feel close and connected with our partners or we feel like they aren’t hearing us, we have predictable emotional reactions.
It takes a lot of effort to change how you understand your emotions, and how you influence the emotions of your partner. It’s all part of learning to communicate better. Learning to express yourself, to know what you feel, what you need, and how to talk about it is the first step.
What’s a predictable emotional reaction to not being heard?
When people don't feel heard a normal reaction is an emotional response. Not everyone reacts the same way when we aren’t being listened to. Predictable emotional reactions to not being heard will depend on how you weren’t heard. Some of us describe feeling frustrated, irritated, angry, or enraged. Others turn it inward, feeling ashamed or like we’re not good enough.
Anger
It’s common to feel anger when your partner shuts down, physically leaves, doesn’t respond, emotionally withdraws, or uses logic when you are looking for an emotional response.
Marija and Benjamin are in the kitchen. A small disagreement about dinner begins to escalate. Marija is trying to explain her position when Benjamin silently hangs up his apron and leaves the kitchen without saying a word. Marija feels herself losing control. She yells, she hears herself shouting things that she knows are hurtful, things she doesn’t even mean, but she can’t stop. He just makes her so angry that she now has to fight the impulse to throw something.
Sadness or Grief
You feel loss of the way it used to feel when you were heard.
Ju feels crushed. What had once been a loving and joy-filled relationship is now empty. She misses the way things used to be. Remembering when their life together felt so rich, intimate, and connected brings bittersweet longing, pain, and regret. It all feels broken now.
Shame
When you crave connection and are scared that you will be rejected. Each failed attempt to make yourself heard just confirms that rejection.
It’s not that Laura has given up on Kassidy, but it’s getting harder and harder to reach out to him. It's like he's closed a door, but each time she knocks, she is less certain that he will answer. Time passes and it gets harder for Laura to try. It just feels like there's too much distance between them to bridge. She is learning to live without connection, alone. She wonders what is wrong with her.
Fear or Vulnerability
When you want closeness and intimacy but are not sure if you are going to get it.
Jamil is impossible to argue with. Ana can never seem get a word in. He is always right, and Ana ends up feeling like a child being scolded. Sometimes it's his tone of voice, other times it's the way that he describes things as if she is stupid. And suddenly she is back to being this powerless, vulnerable little girl.
Recognizing Your Emotions
The first step to you finally being listened to is to understand your own emotions and be able to influence them. This means noticing that “Wow! I am 6/10 angry and if I don’t take a break right now, that beeping in my mind will get louder and louder and soon I will explode,” and stopping before you get there. I don’t know about you, but I used to feel entitled to my anger and I could take it out on people because they made me feel that way. However, I learned that while I am entitled to my anger, it’s up to me to communicate it in a way that doesn’t hurt other people and in turn damage my relationship.
It’s important to understand your reactions. The more you understand your own reactions the more you can influence the reactions of your partner. Most people are okay at this. We are pretty good at seeing our own emotions.
An important skill is recognizing your emotions before you react―to acknowledge that you are angry before yelling at your partner. If you can learn that you feel anger in response to having your partner start to withdraw emotionally, then you can clearly communicate that to them. The key to communication when you want to be heard is doing it in a neutral way. Your partner needs to feel like it’s safe to engage.
Feeling Heard
It's basic and universal to want to feel heard. It offers validation, respect, safety, which are several of the reasons why we choose to be in relationships in the first place. If you feel like you’re not being heard, you will likely react emotionally. Recognizing this and influencing your emotions before you react can mean the difference between building an understanding with your partner or having an argument that you may regret.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.