27. Almost As Good As FREE Couples Therapy
Almost As Good As FREE Couples Therapy
Can’t afford couples therapy, and need to get clear on what to do to improve your relationship?
This is the episode for you.
Chris Harder- at Fast Foundations 2 Day Event shared a great tool to understand your problems, how to fix them, and what you need to achieve the solution.
The stop, start, and find method!
In this episode, we discuss Kate and Toby and what happened in their marriage after they give birth to their child, Jack, who has a visual disability. We review how without knowing what they were doing they use the stop, start, find method. If your relationship is hanging on by a threat and you are typing “free couples therapy” into your search engine, try this method.
Episodes referenced in this episode are:
Relationship Psych - episode 24: 4 Ways to Create a Fight
Relationship Psych -episode 25: Communication Skills for Couples
This relationship podcast is meant for information purposes. See a couples therapist in your area for relationship advice for your specific relationship. Host: Amber Dalsin., M.Sc., Psychologist. She does Couples Therapy in Toronto. She does online individual relationship counseling and online couples therapy.
Transcription (this is a close transcription. It may not be 100% accurate.)
Chris Harder- in a business mastermind shared this week about a very important tool. It was so great I thought I would share it with you.
Stop, start, and find.
I share this tool because it is soooo simple. I was running some ads recently and I learned the number one keyword searched for couples therapy is Free Couples Therapy. Here is what I will tell you, with couples therapy you usually get what you pay for. The standard for charging for services is your services needs to be proportional to the service you offer, that being said, this is such a value piece of advice, for free.
In the TV show this is us, I just finished watching season 4. Toby and Kate give birth to a baby who will never see, and is blind, there is a certain name for what he has, but in my quick google search I could not find it. As is typical after most couples, the birth of a new baby this throws a massive plot twist in the plans for your life, even if nothing is wrong. Kate, puts on a brave face and takes each piece of news with a smile on her face, leading her mother and Toby to be very worried about her state. She looks into all the ways her son’s disability will not hold him back. As is normal, the other parent Toby, takes the disability in a different way. Looking at his son makes him sad. He has so many feelings he starts sneaking to the gym and lying about where he is going, he avoid Kate and their new son. Understandably upset that Toby seems to be living a different life, she talks to her mother about what needs to stop, what she needs to start and what she needs to find. Now they do not use those words, that is precisely what happens.
Here are the 3 questions to ask yourself about your relationship, what do I need to stop doing, start doing, what do I need to find?
Now in watching the TV show, you see Kate very upset and thinking that her marriage is hanging on by a thread. You can see Toby make a huge shift after they really talk about what is happening in their relationship.
Toby has to stop avoiding his marriage and child because they make him sad
He has to start engaging with family
He has to find ways to engage and connect with his blind child
Now Kate just telling him will not make his do this. And you see in the show that it doesn’t. All she can do is express herself.
Kate had to stop holding it in
Start expressing how she really feels
And find the supports in her life to know that she can be taken care of, even if Toby no longer wants to be in the marriage.
IF you know you are unhappy in your relationship- there is a big gap between where you are, and where you want your relationship to be, it’s time for some serious introspection.
Lets take a second to tune in and think about what we need because we already have so many answers within us.
Think about your relationship problem.
What do you need to stop doing? Is it yelling? Criticism? Not asking for your needs to be met? Expecting your partner to read your mind? Avoiding hard conversations? Being defensive? Being insulting? Not expressing appreciation? Not spending time with your partner?
If you know there are communication problems you need to stop to make your relationship successful, check out episode 24: 4 ways to create a create a fight for ideas on what not to do.
What do you need to start doing?
Asking for your needs to be met? Make it safe to have difficult conversations? Stating your needs using I statements? Saying what you mean while being kind?
What do you need to get there?
Planning dates? Asking your partner to plan dates? Asking new questions? A guide to express appreciation? Couples therapy? Writing your thoughts out before you speak? Hiring a baby sitter?
If you know that one of the things you need to get there is tips for better communication check out episode 25: Communication Skills for couples.
This podcast is not meant to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any mental health or relationship problem. Please see a psychologist, or marriage and family therapist in your area for more help for your specific problem.