28. The Secret To Finally Getting Him To Listen To You
The Secret To Finally Getting Him To Listen To You
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The secret to finally getting him to listen to you
Understand normal emotional reactions to an unresponsive partner.
In this episode, we go over the 5 experiences of 5 women when they do not feel heard.
We connect the emotions of grief, sadness, anger, shame, vulnerability, and rejection in response to him not listening or him being unresponsive.
We review 3 components of emotional intelligence and how to use the skills so he finally listens to you.
Remembering some people will never listen no matter what you do.
Episode referenced in this podcast- Relationship Psych- episode 25 communication skills for couples.
This is for informational purposes only. Please see a couple's therapist in your areas for specific advice on your relationship.
Host: Amber Dalsin., M.Sc., Psychologist. She does Couples Therapy in Toronto. She does online individual relationship counseling and online couples therapy.
Transcription (this is a close transcription. It may not be 100% accurate.)
The secret to finally getting him to listen to you
Do you feel like this when you're not heard?
Understand normal emotional reactions to an unresponsive partner.
These are the experiences of 5 women when they are not heard, see if they fit for you.
Marija: When I'm talking and I see him walk away, it's like an alarm starts to go off in my brain. Although I intellectually understand he's just going into the other room, it's like there's a beeping that just starts getting louder and louder. I began to get madder and madder, what started out a slight irritation quickly grows into a burning rage. The more he shuts me out the angrier I get.
Nicole: it's like he's closed the door on me. I used to try to open the door and connect with him, it was like I would get my hopes up and that maybe this time he would listen. Overtime I learned he just doesn't listen to me, and so I closed the door. The door's been closed for a really long time and I don't even know how to open it anymore. It just feels like there's so much distance between us and I don't even feel like what I have to say matters. I've just started living my own life, but deep down its like small shame in me. I have started to wonder if there is something wrong with me.
Joan: it's like I can't even get a word in, I feel so disrespected. If I say something and he disagrees it feels like I'm a small girl being lectured at all over again. Sometimes it's his tone of voice, other times It's the practical way that he describes things as if I'm stupid, or sometimes he just leaves. But I'm brought back to being small , I'm brought back to being powerless, I'm brought back to just feeling like a vulnerable little girl.
Amanda: I feel sad, and scared . I just miss him so much. I remember when our relationship felt so rich, intimate, and connected. Today, it feels like all the warmth in our relationship is drying up, like I'm in a desert that hasn't seen water in a long time. I feel like I'm dying of thirst, but really it's like I'm dying for his emotional connection.
Tori: I feel lonely, sad, and like my feelings don't even matter at all. I start to feel like I'm a ticking time bomb about to go off. It feels like sometimes the only way to get him to hear me is to get louder and louder. It's like if I don't yell loud enough, he doesn't even acknowledge that I'm there.
Not everyone feels it is anger, they might describe it as frustration, irritation, or other people might turn it inward to feel shame or not good enough. When we don’t feel close and connected with our partners or like they aren’t hearing us, we have predictable emotional reactions.
What did you relate to in these stories?
What’s a predictable emotional reaction to not being heard?
If you don't feel heard, and you don’t understand your reaction, you're in the right place. When people don't feel heard a normal reaction in an emotional response. Predictable emotional reactions for not being heard depends on how you weren’t’ heard. Not feeling heard can fall into a number of categories. The table below links the typical emotions and the reason for them.
Emotion
Type of Unresponsive
Sadness or grief
Loss of the way it used to feel when you were heard, or repeated trying to be heard without success.
Anger
When your partner shuts down, physically leaves, doesn’t respond, emotionally withdraws, or uses logic when you are looking for an emotional response.
Shame
When you crave connection and are scared that you will be rejected.
Fear or vulnerability
When you want closeness and intimacy but are not sure if you are going to get it.
The top things I hear in couples therapy is people want to learn to communicate better, they want to be heard.
It’s important to understand your reactions. The more you understand your own reactions the more you can influence the reactions of your partner.
If you can learn that you feel anger in response to them emotionally witdrawing, then you can clearly communicate that to them. The key to the communication when you want to be heard is doing it in a neutral way.
Let’s take Marija in the earlier example
When I'm talking and I see him walk away, it's like an alarm starts to go off in my brain. Although I intellectually understand he's just going into the other room, it's like there's a beeping that just starts getting louder and louder. I began to get madder and madder, what started out a slight irritation quickly grows into a burning rage. The more he shuts me out the angrier I get.
When she gets angrier how do you imagine her partner feels? Do you think he listens because he feels safe to engage? It is a surrender to make the anger stop? Or do you think he responds with anger back?
Being able to influence your partner and be heard is a skill. Now, not all partner can be influenced, some partners will never change, but some can be influenced.
How to influence is to use the skills of emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is broken down into 3 parts:
1. To recognise and influence your own emotions. Most people are okay at this. We are pretty good at seeing our own emotions. Many people are aware of this as emotional intelligence, but it’s not the whole bit. For Marija to master this step she would need to able to identify her anger and that alarm going off before she started to yell. Now that is a hard thing to do.
2. To recognise the emotions of another. This is where a lot of people struggle. Let’s add on to Marija’s story. When Marija doesn’t feel heard it is because she sees her partner going into the other room. She interprets this as “he doesn’t care”. What she doesn’t pause to think about is how her partner is feeling. What is confusing to many women is that men (as an overgeneralization) do not display their emotions as widely as women. They tend to internalize, compartmentalize, and try to avoid the conflict. They do this, not because they don’t care, rather they really care. They leave because they too are emotional, they are overwhelmed, they can’t calm down, they feel tightness in their chest, they are shaking, they have a rapid heart beat, they are fearful they will say something they don’t mean. So disengagement is a detached kind of protecting. The key for Marija in increasing her emotional intelligence would be start recognizing how her partner feels when he walks away.
3. The 3rd part of emotional intelligence is to influence the emotions of another. This means that if Marija wanted to be heard, she knew she was angry, and she wanted her partner to stay engaged she would have to notice and respond to her own emotions, likely self soothe or something to keep her emotions in check, recognize that her partner is having emotions too, and find a way to talk to him where he stays engaged. For example she could say, I’m feeling overwhelmed I need a 45 minute time out, when I get back can we talk about XX. Or I know this conversation is hard for both of us, what do you need to stay engaged. Or I am angry, but I want to have this conversation so I will do my best to speak calmly if you can do your best to stay engaged.
Whoa… now that is hard to do right?? If you are thinking you need more help right now check out episode 25 communication skills for couples.
Some partner’s are cooperative and agree, some partners are entrenched in the old patterns that even if one breaks the cycle they still disengage. Changing relationship patterns takes so much time patience and persistence.
The first step to you finally being listened to is to understand your own emotions and be able to influence them. This means noticing wow… I am 6/10 angry and if I don’t take a break right now, that beeping in my mind will get louder and louder and soon I will explode, and stopping before you get there. I don’t know about you, but I used to feel entitled to my anger and taking it out on people because they made me feel that way. However, I learned that while I am entitled to my anger, it’s up to me to communicate it in a way that doesn’t hurt other people and in turn damage my relationship.
If you hear to the about section on Ember Relationship Psychology, you will hear that I was divorced before 30 and hit the relationship literature to find a love beyond my wildest dreams. Now, married a second time, oh gosh, have I done anger imperfectly, oh yeah, but am I better, yes.
It takes a lot of effort to change how you do conflict, how you understand your emotions, and how you influence the emotions of your partner.
Relationship take work.
If you want more on learning how to recognize his emotions, making it easier for you to influence his emotions check out the free guide on the website How To Finally Get Him To Listen To You. This also includes guidelines on a script for what to say to make it more likely he will listen.
This podcast is not meant to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any mental health or relationship problem. Please see a psychologist, or marriage and family therapist in your area for more help for your specific problem.