22. Maladaptive Relationship Behavior
Maladaptive Relationship Behavior
2 Steps towards change
In this episode we discuss early childhood experiences and family influences and the impact on romantic relationships.
I've been struck over the last week, doing marriage therapy in Toronto about how our early experience shape our adult relationships.
In this episode we discuss:
Relationship influenced by our history
Emotional triggers in relationships
Perpetual problems
Gridlock perpetual problems
book Seal Team Six by Howard E Wasdin and Stephen Templin Don Cole, Gottman Trainer, Center For Relationship Wellness and his comments about background history in relationships.
Teresa Wiseman and her 4 parts of Empathy
Episode 2 HELP, My Partner is Driving Me Crazy, on Relationship Psych- The Podcast
Free Guide How to Finally Get Him to Listen to You available at www.emberrelationshippsychology.com
This relationship podcast is not meant to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any medical, mental health, or relationship problem. It should not been seen as relationship advice for your specific relationship. Seek out couples therapy or marriage counseling by a practitioner in your area for advice for your specific problem.
Host:
Amber Dalsin., M.Sc., Psychologist. She is a Couples Therapist in Toronto. She does virtual individual relationship counseling and virtual couples therapy.
Transcription (this is a close transcription. It may not be 100% accurate.
Maladaptive Relationship Behaviour
2 Steps towards change.
Family influences in romantic relationships
I've been struck over the last week, working with my clients and in my own relationship, and even in books I have read about the influence of our early family history , or our childhood and the lasting impact it has in our adult relationships . Even when we tried to do things different than our family of origin the different choices we make are often rooted in the attempt to avoid making the painful mistakes of our parents , or even some of us vow that we will never be like our parents and catch a flash of ourselves in the mirror acting exactly as they did . Our behavior can seem baffling to us overwhelming confusing , but most human behavior in fact I would argue to say nearly all out behavior makes sense when we view it through a lens of our early experiences . As they say early learning is not undone I'm not really sure who says that but I'm sure it was someone 'cause I knew that from somewhere.
In this episode we are going to look at the early childhood experience and the origins of unhelpful behaviour in relationships. We will use a story in a book, then review 2 tools to help you overcome the problems caused by early beliefs.
Over the weekend I started listening to the book Seal Team Six by Howard E Wasdin and Stephen Templin which tells the story of Howard. He takes the reader through his experience of a young boy , whose mother explains his father abandoned them. His mother goes on to date and later marry a man who took it on his duty to teach Howard good behavior. This good behavior took the form of whippings by a belt, to the point that he made the young boy bleed on a regular occasions. As a small boy Howard had to learn how to detach from physical pain , and not feel. It makes perfect sense the way Howard explains his story and how he became a Seal Team Six member and how he learned to overcome the pain of the physical body, and place his mind elsewhere, how he learned to detach. In his story not only does he talk about how his experiences as a young boy paved the path for him to become it Seal , he also shares about the learning he had from his parents, the relationship with his mother and the man who whipped him who would become his stepdad, and the lack of affection between them. He talked about how affection was difficult, and likely a big problem in his first marriage. He talked about how French kissing and having sex came to him easily, but day-to-day things like holding hands or a caress were very difficult. It's easy to see as Howard shares his story what shaped his beliefs, assumptions, and skills in life which would become his career , and his romantic relationship. It wouldn't be a surprise to learn that Howard's first marriage and this is a spoiler alert, ends in divorce. What we can learn from Howard's story is that through identifying our helpful rules, assumptions and beliefs as well as our unhelpful, assumptions rules and beliefs, then going on to rewriting our stories that are unhelpful at a current stage in our life, we can change our behavior and change the way we do relationship. Howard goes on to share that after meeting his next wife, people tell them to get a room years after being married , he describes them as very affectionate. Learning new relationship skills takes work, and a willingness to do things different. Our early learning is not undone, but as adults we can think how we want to show up in the world and how do we want to do relationship.
It's interesting to think about what triggers fights with our partners . It could be a raised voice, a clipped tone, a text message that wasn't responded to, or not coming home until the next day. All of these things could be triggers for some people and not a trigger for the next person. The early learning, our beliefs, values, our experiences shape us into understanding what is a trigger. To one person a raised voice is nothing but simply a raised voice, to the next person it symbolizes fear or disrespect. While some people showing up anytime between 7:00 and 8:00 PM when you said you were going to arrive at 7 is simply showing up on time but to the other person with different rules and assumptions about what showing up at 7:00 PM means if you say you're going to be there at 7 you better be there at 7:00 o'clock because anything after 7:01 is late. what happens is we create meanings around with these things me to us and we generate assumptions causing us to be distressed. Often these are the things that tend to conflict with our partners.
If you go back to Episode 2 HELP, My Partner is Driving Me Crazy, the episode talks about the different ways couples view problems and gives a light hearted frame for how to think about your partner’s shortcomings.
What I did my gottman level 2 training it was led by Don Cole who is a wonderful Gottman trainer, and is also the founder of the Centre for Relationship Wellness. We talked about conflicts with couples. There are different kinds of conflicts within couples we have what are called perpetual problems and these are the kinds of problems that all couples have, they are perpetual because we all have different personalities beliefs values preferences to our partners and at times those cause problems, oftentimes repeat problems in our relationships. when perpetual but we can have an adaptable mindset around these things they don't cost big blowouts but sometimes they still cause problem. Gridlock perpetual problems are the kind of problems where couples get really stuck , they do have big blowouts or avoid or give the silent treatment , these are the kind of problems that couples really really get stuck on and they can't usually find a way to compromise or adapt. These are the kinds of problems I work with a lot in couples therapy. We're trained to look at what lies beneath these big problems for couples what influences their views . One of the questions were taught to ask about is how do these problems relate to our background history or childhood in some way. I have many couples who tell me that doesn't relate to their background in any way but Don call and probably myself would argue although I don't usually argue with my clients if they tell me this in real life. Don Cole suggests that almost all of these triggering problems, the things that cause the big upsets, do relate to our background history in some way and I would agree. Because that early learning that early symbolism, those early rules assumptions beliefs, they are not undone. If we were having a big reaction to something there is probably a big reason why.
2 starting places for change
1. Identify, name it
2. Tell stories to trusted people
1. When we get really upset, angry, tearful, frustrated, or we feel disrespected or like our feelings don’t matter, these are cues- cues we are triggered. As I talked about triggers, they come from somewhere.
In the Book Seal Team Six, Howard gets shot in the shin while in combat. He is in a great deal of pain, and after two morphine shots, he is still in pain, the morphine does not work. After pleading with a nurse for more medication, she looks at his chart and tells him no, because he has already had two shots of morphine. Howard gets internally triggered because of the pain, he is able to think back and wonder why as a small child he was able to escape in his mind, to block out the sensation of pain, but as an adult with a massive injury, he was unable to evade the pain in his mind. While this is a moment, not in the context of a relationship, it clearly illustrates how we can notice real time frustration, and link it to our past.
Lets use a relationship example. Lets pretend Jenny and Ricardo have been fighting about housework. Ricardo never done anything around the house leaving Jenny to feel disrespected and like an employee. Because she feels this way, she often uses a clipped tone and a passive aggressive remark, saying things like, it must be nice to sit on the couch and have your maid take care of everything for you. This causes Ricardo to shut down and avoid her.
Lets take a look at the background of Jenny and Ricardo.
Ricardo grew up in Mexico where his family was well off by Mexican standards. They had a housekeeper that worked noon to four daily, doing tasks from weekly deep cleans to the daily dishes. Ricardo never had to lift a finger in his life. He had never done a chore until he moved in with Jenny at 27 years old. While he intellectually understands he needs to help with the chores, he often forgets, or protests they should just get someone to keep the house because he likely wont do it they way she wants, although he does clean a bit daily.
In addition, in Ricardo’s family, his parents often were physically violent towards each other. It often started when his father was somewhat intoxicated and he would come home demanding something of his mother. His mother was a strong willed woman who did not back down, at times it seemed she did cower to her husband, but also stood up to him despite knowing he would physically assault her. She would raise her voice, and as soon as she did, this was the cue that Ricardo would hide in the closet, he learned what would come next, the physical fight between his parents. Raised voices became a massive trigger for him, leading him to escape the dangerous situation.
Jenny grew up in a family where her mother and father who were very affectionate and loved each other very much, at times they raised their voices, but shortly later, they exchanged “I love yous” and “I’m sorrys”. Jenny developed a view that raising your voice sometimes is okay, as long as your apologise later. In addition, her parents ran a fair and equal household around housework. In Jenny’s eyes they were the truest of teammates who had each other’s back.
To her, Ricardo’s lack of housework mean, he didn’t respect her, he didn’t care about her feelings and they were not on the same team. She would become irate mad when he would shut down. It was like a brick wall in front of her, and she just didn’t get why a slight raise of the voice would case that reaction.
So, their gridlock perpetual problem about housework, wasn’t just about folding the laundry or doing the dishes, it was deeply rooted in their beliefs, values and early learning. The reasons they reacted so strongly to each other in the midst of these conflicts were about the triggers drawn up from the past leading to a strong emotional reactions.
Their first step in overcoming this conflict was to name and identity the feelings in the current moment, and where the trigger came from.
2. The second thing we can do to heal from our unhelpful behaviours, is to start to share the trigger stories and our past experiences with trusted people, specifically our partner. The caveat to this is if you have the sense you can trust your partner with your story. In cases where conflict has gotten quite bad, or contempt is present, these vulnerable stories can be used against your partner. That is the opposite of what is helpful. The goal of sharing the stories is a combination or emotional processing and also helping your partner understand your inner world, so you can generate unique compromises for your unique relationship that draws upon your backgrounds, and incorporates both of your needs.
By sharing our stories we often soften to our partner’s and empathize with our pain. When we step outside of our wants and needs, and put ourselves in our partner’s shoes it is easier for us to incorporate a touch of our partner’s needs and wishes into our solutions.
How do we empathize?
Theresa Wiseman outlines four qualities to help us empathise. It might not come naturally to some, but with effort, and practice it’s possible.
The first things to do is, put yourself in your partner’s shoes, really get in their shoes and attempt to see the world the way they view it (not your opinion of their views). In Jenny and Ricardo’s case she would need to attempt to understand that from his point of view cleaning just isn’t natural.
The second is to be non judgmental, and this is hard. Rather than considering our view about how someone should or shouldn’t do something, simply seek to understand the view of the other without opining about it.
Consider the feelings of the other. Guess about how they would be feeling. This could be Ricardo stepping into Jenny’s shoes and understanding how disrespected and alone she felt when he didn’t pitch in. It wasn’t because he was a bad guy, it was because her early experiences taught her differently.
Lastly, communicating understanding to our partner- that there is some part of their view, or position that makes sense to us, that we can validate. This does not mean agreement or condoning something, it means you see where they are coming from.
When we can share our stories and both partners practice empathy, and come up with joint solutions from this place, this is another way that couples can actively work towards change together.
Now if you don’t think you are ready to share with your partner, or don’t think your partner can empathize, you could try sharing with a trusted friend or therapist. If you think your partner can listen, and not use it against you, but maybe they will struggle with empathy, ask them to just listen and not comment on your sharing.
The theme of this episode, is that nearly all, if not all, of our unhelpful behaviour in relationships, usually makes sense. And usually it was behaviour that really was adaptive and worked for us in our early life. In adulthood, sometimes we have to take a look at what worked in the past and consider if those things are still helpful. When it isn’t, like Howard, by understanding our early origins, telling our story, and intentionally choosing different words and actions, maybe we too can have relationships where we feel love and connection in a different way we didn’t know was possible.
This podcast is not meant to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any mental health or relationship problem. Please see a psychologist, or marriage and family therapist in your area for more help for your specific problem.