21. The SECRET to GREAT Sex in a Long-Term Relationship
The SECRET to GREAT Sex in Long-Term Relationships
How to make your sex life better with your spouse.
It’s normal to want to have sex and it’s normal to not really want to have sex, so there is no road map for how to make sex great in a long term relationship, but there is a secret that can help. The secret is communication.
In this episode we explore Masters and Johnson’s research on sexual response and how to communicate about desire, arousal and resolution. We cover how to talk about initiating sex, and things to share with your partner that you like.
Episodes references in this Episode are:
Episode 20- Your Brain on Love
Episode 11- 4 Point Road Map to Increase Sexual Satisfaction in your Relationship
This podcast is not meant to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any medial, mental health, or relationship problem. It should not been seen as relationship advice for your specific relationship. Seek out couples therapy or marriage counseling by a practitioner in your area for advice for your specific problem.
Host:
Amber Dalsin., M.Sc., Psychologist. She is a Couples Therapist in Toronto. She does virtual individual relationship counseling and virtual couples therapy.
Transcription
The SECRET to GREAT Sex in Long-Term Relationships
Wanting to have great sex, even after you have been together for a long time, is normal. It’s also normal not to want to have a lot of sex after you’ve been in a long term relationship.
In the previous episode, your brain on love, Episode 20 on Relationship Psych, the Podcast, we talk about differences in your chemo signals that increase connection in early relationship. It’s those very signals in the brain that usually enhance sexual desire and motivation in early relationship.
As time wears on, the desire and thrill for sex waxes and wanes. Let’s dive in and understand what leads to great sex in a long term relationship.
What’s the secret… it’s simpler than you think.
Couples who talk about sex more openly, have more sex.
Yes, talking about sex leads to more sex. It’s not toys or new gimmicks on the market (although they might be helpful or not depending on your relationships. It’s talking. Talking about sex in a positive and open way.
What not to do when talking about sex.
Criticism or being harsh is mega roadblocks to great sex, even if you are talking about it.
How you talk about sex will have a huge impact on sex. If you complain- e.g. I hate it when you touch me like that, or urg don’t put it there, or don’t…. yes, you care communicating but it’s also likely hurting your partner’s feelings and making them feel unsure about themselves and their performance.
Let’s do some sweeping overgeneralizations here- for Men, performance is a big deal. For many men being seen as good in bed is very important. If they fear they are not going to please you, they will not want to do it.
Masters and Johnson’s research on sex divided the sexual response into four phases. Rightly or wrongly, this is how many people think about sex today. The four stages are: desire (libido), arousal (excitement), orgasm and resolution. They found the four phases happen one after another. For many people this is how it works, however this also put a lot of pressure on how sex should be. What if you don’t feel desire, what if you don’t feel arousal, or what if you don’t orgasm… then how are you supposed to reach resolution?
What is desire?
This is the phase of wanting your partner. It can last minutes to hours. In this phase your heart rate might increase, hence the saying my heart was racing or my heart skipped beat- normal reactions to desire for someone. Blow flow increases in the genital regions, the vagina starts to lubricate, or the man may begin to get an erection.
A problem with sex in long term relationships, or even shorter relationships for that matter, is desire is different for different people. How often you feel desire changes person to person. In David Snarch’s book, Intimacy and Desire, he outlines that there will always be a higher desire partner and a lower desire partner. This means that couples need to learn to negotiate their differences in desire.
What does difference in desire have to do with how we talk to our partner about sex. How do you initiate sex when you are unsure of your partner’s desire?
This is a great question, and an easy place to stumble for a lot of couples. Many couples just avoid sex at all.
Here are questions you could ask your partner:
If I feel desire, and I’m interested in initiating sex, how can I do that in a way that feels good for you?
If you have desire for sex and I don’t how can I let your down without hurting your feelings?
If I feel desire and you don’t are you willing to sexually satisfy me? If so, how can I ask for that?
Or
If I don’t currently feel desire, but could be convinced, how should I tell you?
Remember, couples that talk about sex, have more sex. Think about using questions with your partner to gather more information from your partner.
Now that you have some ideas about how to talk about desire, lets talk about the arousal stage. This is where things turn up from mild to spicy. All the physical changes in the desire stage intensify, right until that last moment before climax. Not only is sexual tension about to mount, the muscles are tight all over the body and people might have muscles spasms.
Sure in the movies, arousal is all in perfect harmony… the music is right, the scene is right, and sure the couple gets to the brink together. If you have had sex, you have likely learned it does not happen like that all the time. And it doesn’t mean your incompatible as lovers. This means having some conversations about likes, dislikes and understanding what is arousing to you both.
The key to sex with another person is connection- so it’s important when approaching climax to understand what works for each person.
Sex with another person is about connection… most of the time. Even if the other does not want to admit it. If it was not about some form of connection, they would just masturbate, or engage in other forms of impersonal sex like watching pornography. Instead if your partner has chosen sex- and with you. They are choosing personal sex- connection sex.
A pretty deep way to connect is to share likes (and dislikes). Be sure to stress what you do like, and if you are sharing what you don’t like be very delicate. For example, rather than saying “don’t do that” try “I like this”. One is deconstructive and the other is constructive. Remember sex is enhanced by positive communication.
Think in your mind the following, get a mental picture.
The touch my partner gives me that makes me most aroused is?
The position that I like best is?
The rhythm that my body likes is?
If I am having a hard time getting to the brink of organism, what positions/ other stimulation/ words/ or touches help?
The answers to these questions are things, if you’re feeling brave, and dedicated to being positive, are things you can share with your partner.
If we just look at the desire stage and the arousal stage, it’s easy to see how the more you talk about initiation, refusal, and what makes you aroused, the better your sex life will be. Initiation is scary, especially if you think you will be rejected.
Organism… is well orgasm… we could go into it more, for this episode we arent’ going to. Briefly let’s touch on resolution. That is the body returning to normal. Some people feel fatigued while others feel energized. After every organism there is a refractory period where people cannot climax a second time until the refractory period is over.
Because many couples do not nicely fall into the ebb and flow of the 4 linear stages, conversations are key to better sex because, if you don’t climax what does that mean? Or if you don’t climax, what would still feel nice. Or if you are excited, but not ready for intercourse either because you cannot get and maintain an erection or the vagina is tight or dry, or you just don’t want to, couples can be creative about what sex means to them. Sex does not need to follow the 4 stages.
It could mean naked cuddling, Oral sex, Making out, Holding each other while the other masturbates, It couple mean back massages.
The less couples rigidly adhere to what sex should be, and create a sex life that works for them, the better their sex will be.
The secret to great sex in a long term relationship, is that positive communication about sex. It’s being curious and genuinely interested in your partner and sharing details about yourself. It’s trial and error. And NOT expecting sexual perfection.
In episode 11 we discuss the 4 point road map to increase sexual satisfaction in your relationship. Be sure to check it out if you want more on increasing your sexual satisfaction in your relationship.
We are all just people, and with our long term partners, we wear so many hats- mother, father, room mate, maid, laundromat, boss, employee, friend, and lover. Sometimes its hard to juggle all the hats. It’s important to stay connected as our partners change, and continue to get to know their likes and dislikes and how they change over your life together.