31. Secrets to Successful Relationship Repairs
The reason repairs are the most frequent post I make on Instagram.
Secrets To Successful Relationship Repairs
Have you wondered why relationship repairs are the most frequent post I make on Instagram? @emberrelationshippsychology
This episode is about the power of relationship repairs.
Imagine, you and your partner star sliding down the nasty spiral, the way all your big fights start, and then one of you quickly does a ninja move and halts the process, reconnecting you, getting you back on track. A repair.
On a cold snowy January day, I pulled up to a restaurant and saw my future husband sitting outside on a bench in the cold.
My heart fluttered in my chest and I knew that he was special. He would teach me about passionate love, and within 2 weeks he would also teach me about heartbreak.
In this episode we talk about:
Preventing conflict spirals
What makes relationship repairs work
How to stop fighting with your spouse
Emotional connection
How to stop a fight
Communication in relationships
This podcast is for information only. See couples therapist in your area for help for your relationship problems.
Host- Amber Dalsin is a psychologist and couples therapist in Mississauga Ontario.
Transcription (this is a close transcription. It may not be 100% accurate.)
Secrets To Successful Relationship Repairs
Have you wondered why relationship repairs are the most frequent post I make on Instagram?
Listen up, because today, we are talking about the power of relationship repairs.
Imagine, you and your partner star sliding down the nasty spiral, the way all your big fights start, and then one of you quickly does a ninja move and halts the process, reconnecting you, getting you back on track. A repair.
On a cold snowy January day, I pulled up to a restaurant and saw my future husband sitting outside on a bench in the cold.
My heart fluttered in my chest and I knew that he was special. He would teach me about passionate love, and within 2 weeks he would also teach me about heartbreak.
The number one thing we do in our relationship that is supported in the relationship research, is we work on being nice. Overall how we feel day to day in our relationship, happy and loving is each is key. We didn’t really realize this as we set out on our mission to create a great love, and although I was intellectually aware of this piece of the relationship research, it wasn’t a conscious intention.
We treat each other as well today, as we did on that first day we met.
Together, we remain on our best behaviour.
No, we aren’t perfect and with comfort, we make mistakes.
Somehow we were both intuitively aware that making our conflict go well, having a close and intimate long term relationship was going to be contingent upon intentionally co creating a warm, loving, playful and forgiving emotional climate
Without malice, last as I crawled into bed, he asked me to turn off the lights.
I growled at him, about how I just got into bed and listed all the things I had just done. I snipped that he should get up and do it.
Smoldering in irritation, I sat there in bed next to him. Annoyed with him, but also knowing that his request didn’t warrant my response.
Because a great relationship with him is more important than my irritation.
I turned to him said “I am sorry I grouched at you. You didn’t deserve that reaction. I’m not at my best tonight.”
Underlying problems were contributing to my grouching.
I pushed eating too long between clients, leading my blood sugars to be all out of wack even after I ate… prolonged HANGRY. I was tired too.
Nicely he accepted.
Thankfully he accepted. Why he accepted.
Well you could say I apologized, and as such he accepted. I almost agree with you, this is partly true. But have you ever apologized and your partner couldn’t hear you?
Why, I think he could hear me, is because of the emotional climate in our relationship. It’s mostly sunny and then there was a spot of rain. Imagine if it was always rainy and I tired to repair, but we hadn’t seen the sun in a while, the repair likely wouldn’t have worked out so well.
Have you wondered why I share relationship repairs the most?
Do you ever get in little spats with your partner?
Could your relationship be stronger with more peaceful connection?
Relationship repairs are powerful way to restore connection after a brief bump in the road.
The number 1 thing couples fight about is:
NOTHING
That means it’s little interactions, that contain the power to take a relationship slowly slipping into disconnection and pull it into re-connection.
Suppose you buy a nice new 2021 car. You get it, it has the new car smell, and for the first year or so it works like a dream, basically purrs when we start the engine… not unlike a new relationship. With the passage of time and taking that beauty car over a few bumps in the road, you get some normal wear and tear. Eventually that brand spanking new car will need a repair to get it close to it’s working order.
Relationship repairs are not much different. There will always be bumps in the road and relationships will need to be repaired to get them back on track.
Relationship problems aren’t so much about if you’re compatible, or how different you are, it’s about willingness to be good friends, look a the good about each other, accept the other’s influence and continuously repair damage that bumps in the road cause. If you continually maintain the relationship, take it in for regular tune ups (and in this case the tune ups and attention to friendship, seeing the good and sharing it, and accepting influence), it’s way easier to be “compatible”. Now, if you have a partner who isn’t willing to do these things… perhaps that is something to consider.
Why within 2 weeks did my now husband teach me about heartbreak?
Just after falling in love at first sight, he told me he was moving 3216kms away for 14 months.
When he told me, I had no words, my soul vacated my body.
Thinking “we just met 2 weeks ago, I guess we are going to break up.”
Devastated, we both went to work that day, unsure if we would ever see each other again.
As is typical for early love, the emotional climate is good.
With a great emotional climate on our side, and flooded with neuro chemo signals, that night, when we met for dinner and presented his case, we agreed to try a long distance relationship for 14 months. (thank goodness for neuro chemo signals- if you don’t know what they are and how they impact your relationship, check out your brain on love episode 20.)
There are many kinds of repairs, emotional, thought based, ones that stops conflicts in their tracks or some that redirect.
Know your audience.
For example, VERY common mistake I hear people say is “calm down”, while yes, I can see that person is trying to re-regulate the conversation, many people do not respond well to “calm down”. In fact for many the words “calm down” are triggers, leading someone to say “I am calm”, or “I’ll show you what needing to calm down looks like”. As such, saying calm down, will not be helpful.
Remember communication between couples is more than the words, it’s an intricate slow dance together, filled with secret languages and hidden meanings. It’s important to repair in ways consistent with your relationship secret meanings.
You will see the number 1 thing I post on Instagram is about relationship repairs- why, because I need to use them all the time, they are soooo important.
Here are some examples of other ways to say “calm down”
I’m feeling overwhelmed with all the emotion. Can we both take a second to collect ourselves.
I know we are both upset. Can we both take a 20 minute time out and come back to this?
I am stressed seeing how upset you are. I need this to be more calm.
I’m having a hard time listening, but I want to be here with you. Can you help me out and take a few breaths so I can stay engaged?
I love you, I need a minute, I’ve gotta go, I’ll be back in 5 minutes.
I know you are upset, I’m on your team, and I need this to be more level.
After countless missteps, conflicts, hurts, tears, harsh words, show downs and a firm resolve to make it better.
Fast forward 4.5 years. I walked down a sand covered beach in a custom white dress, to meet the love of my life at the alter. And I know, that should we keep this strong, wonderful love, we will need to continue to be nice, be friends, accept influence and do lots of repairs.
This podcast is not meant to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any mental health or relationship problem. Please see a psychologist, or marriage and family therapist in your area for more help for your specific problem.