32. A Mistake That STOPS Communication
Avoid doing this if you want good communication with your spouse.
A Mistake That STOPS Communication
Avoid doing this if you want good communication with your spouse.
To illustrate a mistake that most people make when they are communicating, this episode looks at an interaction between princess Margaret and her husband that I witnessed watching the TV show the Crown. Now, I have no idea if this is what she was really like, and as TV does it made for some really interesting marriage moments. Season 3, episode 3 on Netflix.
In this episode we discuss:
Relationship communication
Enduring vulnerabilities
Relationship contempt
Relationship conflict
Relationship repair
Divorce
What communication mistakes
Toxic communication patterns
Need help talking so your partner listens? Check out the 3 Step Script: Talking So He Listens.
This podcast is for information only. See couples therapist in your area for help for your relationship problems.
Host- Amber Dalsin is a psychologist and couples therapist in Mississauga Ontario.
Transcription (this is a close transcription. It may not be 100% accurate.)
A Mistake that STOPS Communication
Avoid doing this if you want good communication with your spouse
To illustrated a mistake that most people make when they are communicating, I am going to share an interaction between princess Margaret and her husband that I witnessed watching the TV show the Crown. Now, I have no idea if this is what she was really like, and as TV does it made for some really interesting marriage moments.
Princess Margaret is displayed at the bell of the ball, the life of the party, and larger than life. She is a stark contrast to her practical and stoic sister, Queen Elizabeth. In the TV show she is seen singing, laughing and demonstrating a vibrant energy to all around. Not only does she demonstrate a vibrance in play, but also in conflict.
The conflict I am going to share all started when prince Margaret and her husband were going to America to do a book launch for her husband. It was to be a vacation, and she was to be there for him. The couple had also agreed to do a few royal engagements.
But the real conflict started long before the actual fight.
Princess Margaret grew up in her sister’s shadow, never to share the responsibility to the Queen. Later in the season, could have been the same episode actually, in talking to the president of United States, she shared about her intimate knowledge of being second, being overlooked, and refers to herself as vice Queen. She illuminates her enduing vulnerability of coming second, to not getting the spotlight, to being overlooked.
As she and her husband travel across the united states, the media reports on her endeavors, sharing about her magnificent and article after article reports on how great she is. She simply delights and revels in the glory.
After nights of drinking and entertaining her husband expresses some concerns about her behaviour. They are in a speak easy, she is drinking and surrounded by people at in the center of the room. Her husband sits and the bar, alone, tapping his forehead. As they walk to the room he grows about how she ignored the signal that he wanted to leave. She dismisses his concerns, and they continue to criticize, and defends, counter and attack all the way back to their hotel room.
The scene is in a bedroom, he lights a cigarette and she mocks “I’m sorry you are Tony who, oh yeah, the husband guy.” Sullen, he responds “it’s not easy sometimes”, she counters “what is not easy?”. He counters, being second fiddle to a pigmy princess.” She stomps her foot and retorts “don’t talk to me about being a second fiddle.” I get so little, I get so little limelight.” He laughs,, and she continues looking down at him, one hand on her hip “No, it’s the price I pay for the sister I have, but if the opportunity should once arise for me to shine, I’d appreciate you putting aside the competitive little narcissist that rages within you, letting me savior it, stomps her shoe again, and she takes a few steps towards him and starts again “I promise, that once we get to New York, the spot light will be entirely on you, and your book. I’ll take a back seat, and be the adoring and supportive number two, you want me to be. Nothing will make me happier.” The scene ends.
Now as a person that watches couples conflicts and is always on the edge of my seat to interrupt when I see a massive blow out coming from a mile away, I was on the edge of my seat, waiting to see how he responded to being called a competitive little narcissist. Earlier in the conflict she had called him jealous and mean spirited, and oh boy, there are only so many names you can call your partner before something bad happens.
What is the best part about princess Margaret’s monologue is her contempt followed by a contemptuous repair, that actually fits their relationship.
She knew his pain, she knows that it is like to be second fiddle, she gets how bad it feels to be second. And although she is mean in her delivery, hurling insults, she sees his need- to be the one in the spot light, acknowledges the need and makes an offering for how she will deliver.
But here is her mistake.
You might have already guessed it.
Did you listen to the previous episode? If not, listen to Secrets To Successful Relationship Repairs.
If you have listened, then you know for repairs to be successful the relationship needs to be in a good overall climate, and as you can probably guess with just the short snippet of this interaction, there is a lot of contempt in this relationship. Contempt is not good for relationship. In fact a pretty toxic mistake.
So there is it is, the communication mistake, that likely undermines her good will of saying the spotlight will be on him when they go to New York, event though she states nothing would make her happier. It’s not just the words she says, it’s how she says them, filed with spite, venom, and insults. She pokes, prods, and belittles. And she likely also wonders why when they aren’t on vacation he’s never around.
Now, I’m sure her TV husband is no angel, that he is doing things that upset her.
And, if she wants to draw him near
For her needs to really be met
To finally be heard and understood
She too, needs to be accountable for her actions.
How she speaks.
Contempt pushes your partner away.
It signals, uh oh, you are not safe.
What to do normal people do in the face of danger, escape, avoid or attack.
A normal response if she is venomous, him leaving or him counter attacking.
To really make this relationship better, a relationship filled with hurt and contempt, relationship repairs probably not be enough. They will need to also create a culture of appreciation, and become friends again.
To clearly outline her mistake, as she does the repair- it’s being contemptuous before making her repair, and I would argue there is also contempt in her voice as she says she will be there “I’ll take a back seat, and be the adoring and supportive number two, you want me to be. Nothing will make me happier.” It could be the accent, or it could be a hint of mockery in her tone.
So yes, she said the right words, but her posture and the calling him a narcissist seconds before is likely to undermine anything helpful she did say.
Research on toxic communication patterns that are present in relationships has actually been able to predict divorce. One predictor of divorce is contempt. If you want to learn more about toxic communication check out 4 doomed communication patterns episode 5.
This marriage is riddled with contempt- hence I am not 1 bit surprised that Wikipedia tells me Princess Margaret and Antony Armstrong-Jones divorced in 1960.
This podcast is not meant to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any mental health or relationship problem. Please see a psychologist, or marriage and family therapist in your area for more help for your specific problem.