Emotional Intimacy and How to Build Connection
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
Reconnecting Is Simpler Than You Think
Feeling Disconnected
Shawna and Mark live together, see each other every day, and yet both feel incredibly lonely.
Shawna knew Mark was the quiet type when they got together. She didn’t mind, she liked to talk. In the beginning they’d been so close. They had all those inside jokes, and she could probably have guessed what he was going to say before he said it.
After a few years, she starts to feel like something is off. Mark’s brooding silence seems more distant, and she can’t stop wondering if something is seriously wrong. She spends most of her nights awake wondering who is this stranger asleep next to her.
She follows the script, “Hey babe, how was your day?”
Only to feel disappointed when he does too, “Fine. You?”
He’s staring off into space and she’s trying to reach out, “What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”
A simple answer, possibly an honest one, but with every failed attempt to start a conversation Shawna only feels more devastated, rejected, and alone. She starts pulling back. She feels herself shutting down, going numb, refusing to start conversations, resorting to one-word answers to “See how he likes it.” The silence in the apartment is heavy and suffocating.
Mark notices. He asks her what is wrong, and it all comes out. Shawna tells him how she feels. This comes as a total surprise to Mark. He’d realized something was off, but he didn’t know how to fix it. Shawna knows more about him than anyone, but now he just feels guilty―like he’s failing her somehow.
Craving Emotional Intimacy
One of the number one relationship goals I hear in my practice is that partners want to feel emotionally connected. Many women tell me their partner isn't vulnerable enough and doesn't open up enough. Many men tell me they don't know how to be what their partner wants. So how do you build a real connection?
Emotional intimacy can be built in simple steps that happen every single day. It doesn't have to be resolving huge conflicts or agreeing on everything, in fact often those aren't the things that build emotional intimacy. Rather, emotional intimacy comes from getting to know each other's inner worlds, appreciating each other, and taking suggestions on day-to-day things from the other person. I’ve found that with some guidance and structure most men are pretty good at developing connection.
On the reality TV show Love is Blind―if you haven't seen it or heard about it at this point I don't know where you've been but you haven't been on Netflix―singles in pods must communicate through a wall, vying for the affection of one person. We watch as couples slowly fall for each other―but they don't get to see each other until the day they propose.
It's interesting to see the emotional intimacy build between couples―the giddy laughs, how they look forward to talking to each other, and the smiles. You also see the instances where conversation gets a little stilted, or weird as couples struggle to build intimacy. I loved watching this show and recognizing what was different about those couples that actually got to the proposal stage. Each successful couple has that really great emotional connection.
Disconnection
In sharp contrast to Love is Blind is the TV show Raised by Wolves, where Mother and Father―androids who have been tasked with raising humans on another planet―are not supposed to have an emotional connection. They do day-to-day tasks together, you see them on this planet parenting the children, but never inquiring about each other’s inner world. Mother is a powerful necromancer and her main job is to protect the children and establish an atheist civilization. She can basically kill anything that serves as a threat. Whereas the father has been programmed to help raise the children. He isn't a killer―his main job is to help establish the civilization, he pays a more submissive role to the mother. It is clear from watching them that they are good team, however there is no real intimacy. Which makes sense because they are androids, not humans.
Think about the early stage of falling in love. When you’re riddled with butterflies and it feels like your mind won't stop thinking about the other person, and just a state of bliss comes over you. In this phase we ask questions and truly listen to our partners. Even if you don't like hockey you could find yourself on a date for hours listening to your partner go on and on about the latest hockey game or something they find exciting. That’s part of building connection. As time progresses, we tune out of those topics that we don't really care about. The focus is now on those day-to-day tasks and it can start to feel robotic.
Reconnecting
We all have different personalities, beliefs, and values. The measure of success in connecting is whether we can still tune in to our partners’ inner world even if it's not 100% our favorite topic.
In my case this means listening to sports and asking questions about sports even when I don't talk about sports with my girlfriends.
Building emotional connection doesn't necessarily mean talking for hours. It could also be a five-minute daily conversation that your partner doesn't have with anybody other than you. Don't take this for granted―it's really special. Women tend to have many close emotional confidantes, and they may expect their male partner to have that too. Men do closeness differently. Most men see their female partner as their closest friend and closest emotional confidante. So I encourage you to be curious with your partners and not take them for granted, I encourage you to learn how they do connection which may be different from how you do connection. Maybe your relationship is emotionally intimate for them.
Asking Questions to Build Intimacy
If you want more intimacy, if you feel like it's not quite enough, the simple strategy that builds connection is asking better questions. I don't mean like interviewing your partner or catapulting questions at them, I mean truly getting to know their inner world, giving them time to answer however they see fit. This is key because I see lots of partners try to correct their partner on their answers and that really inhibits them from opening up. Try to be nonjudgmental in your listening and just allow your partner to share. All we know from the research is that by talking to your partner for approximately 5 minutes a day and getting to know their inner world, this builds relationship connection.
So you could ask your partner things like:
What are you grateful for today?
Describe your day to me today in detail.
What's been most stressful for you this week?
What has brought you the most joy this week?
What people have played the biggest role in your life this week?
What is something you're looking forward to?
Set aside 5 to 20 minutes a day and just get to know each other’s inner worlds. Even if you're spending all day together in quarantine, create connections by listening, asking good questions, and truly trying to understand what is happening for them. By asking different questions, we get answers that offer better insight and a means to understanding your partner. It can be genuinely exciting to learn new things about your partner. Even couples that have been together 10 or 20 years can learn different things by asking different questions and it brings them closer together.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.