Stop, Start, and Find
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
A 3-Step Tool to Improve Your Relationship
You look at your relationship, and the fundamental gut feeling that you can’t get away from is that something needs to change. Maybe you don’t know exactly what, but you just can’t continue on like this. We have a tool that can help. At the Fast Foundations 2 Day Event, Chris Harder shared a great strategy you can use to help identify and understand your problems, fix them, and discover what you need to achieve a solution.
I wanted to share this tool because it is beautifully simple.
Looking for Free Couples Therapy?
The number one keyword searched for couples therapy is “Free Couples Therapy.” Here is what I will tell you: with couples therapy, you usually get what you pay for. The standard for charging for services is that your fees need to be proportional to the service you offer. That being said, here is a valuable piece of advice, for free.
In the TV show This Is Us, I just finished watching season 4. Toby and Kate give birth to a baby who has Stargardt disease and will never see. Typically for most couples, the birth of a new baby throws a massive plot twist in the plans for your life, even when there are no additional challenges. Kate puts on a brave face and takes each piece of news with a smile, causing her mother and Toby to be very worried about her state. She looks into all the ways her son’s disability will not hold him back. As is normal, the other parent, Toby, reacts to his son’s disability in a different way. Looking at his son makes him sad. He has so many feelings he cannot express that he starts sneaking to the gym and lying about where he is going. He avoids Kate and their new son. Understandably upset that Toby seems to be living a different life, Kate talks to her mother about what needs to stop, what she needs to start to do and what she needs to find. Although they do not use those words, that is precisely what happens.
Here are the 3 questions to ask yourself about your relationship:
What do I need to stop doing?
What do I need to start doing? And
What do I need to find?
If you can’t afford couples therapy and you need to clarify what to do to improve your relationship, here is how to use Stop, Start, and Find as a tool to help improve your relationship.
Stop, Start, and Find
Now in watching the TV show, you see Kate very upset and thinking that her marriage is hanging on by a thread. You can see Toby make a huge shift after they really talk about what is happening in their relationship.
Toby has to stop avoiding his marriage and child because they make him sad
He has to start engaging with family
He has to find ways to engage and connect with his blind child
Now Kate just telling him what to do will not make him do this. And you see in the show that it doesn’t. All she can do is express herself.
Kate has to stop holding it in
Start expressing how she really feels
And find the supports in her life to know that she can be taken care of, even if Toby no longer wants to be in the marriage.
What Do You Need to Stop Doing?
If you know you are unhappy in your relationship―you can see there is a big gap between where you are, and where you want your relationship to be―it’s time for some serious introspection.
Let’s take a second to tune in and think about what we need because we already have so many answers within us.
Think about your relationship problem.
What do you need to stop doing? Is it yelling? Criticism? Not asking for your needs to be met? Expecting your partner to read your mind? Avoiding hard conversations? Being defensive? Being insulting? Not expressing appreciation? Not spending time with your partner?
If you know there are communication problems you need to stop to make your relationship successful, check out podcast episode 24: 4 Ways to Create a Fight for ideas on what not to do.
What Do You Need to Start Doing?
Give serious thought to the actions that you have to take to make your relationship work.
What do you need to start doing? Asking for your needs to be met? Make it safe to have difficult conversations? Stating your needs using I statements? Saying what you mean while being kind? Offering compliments instead of criticism?
What Do You Need to Get There?
What goals, supports, situations do you need to create in order to give yourself the best chance for success?
Do you need to plan dates? Ask your partner to plan dates? Ask new questions? Do you need a guide to express appreciation? Couples therapy? Write your thoughts out before you speak? Hire a baby sitter?
If you know that one of the things you need to get there includes tips for better communication check out podcast episode 25: Communication Skills for Couples.
How to Begin
When as a couple you are struggling to connect, communicate, or to navigate a difficult time, situation, or path, it can be incredibly challenging to take the first step. Stop, Start, and Find is an effective method to pinpoint what changes need to take place. It helps you identify behaviours or priorities that need to stop, new patterns to start or positive habits to develop, while the third step emphasizes how you can actually accomplish it. It’s a great addition to any relationship repair toolkit.
If you are ready to put a skill in your tool kit right now to help you connect, check out the Emotional Intimacy Cheat Sheet. It’s a how-to guide for couples to deepen connection as they have conversations.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.