Pornography: Friend or Foe?
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
Understanding Porn Use
The Confidential Information No One
Talks About
Is pornography use always a problem? The short answer is no. However, it is sometimes a problem. It depends on the couple's expectations around sex and pornography, and if the pornography use has turned into some sort of maladaptive problem or created a betrayal in the relationship.
When Porn Can Be Helpful & Why
Pleasure and pleasing, belonging to a group, private sexual enjoyment, and at times coping with stress can all be reasons why people watch porn. Using pornography for these reasons isn't inherently wrong or bad, but it can cause problems when it's a relationship secret, one partner is adamantly opposed to it, it becomes a maladaptive coping problem, it becomes an addiction, or it takes away from the couples sexual relationship.
In the book What Makes Love Last by John Gottman and Nan Silver (2012), they explain the research on newlywed couples. They find that in the three years after a baby's arrival, on average men would like to have sex approximately 3 times a week, where as women would prefer to have sex once every two weeks. This is a huge gap between them. It's important to note that not all men have affairs despite this difference in the sex drive, and many women have affairs with this difference in sex drive. Just because there's a difference does not mean that all men will look for sexual satisfaction elsewhere. But what we need to look at, is how is it appropriate for each relationship to fulfill their sexual needs? This will be different for every relationship.
Pornography can be helpful your relationships when it's used in a mutually agreed upon way for the purpose of enhancing mutual desire, and pleasure in the relationship.
When Pornography is Harmful & Why
Pornography becomes a problem when it is seen as a betrayal. Most often partners don't mean to betray their partner, it's not the intention, but the result of their behavior is often betrayal. Usually betrayal by pornography occurs when pornography is used as solo habit that does not involve their partner, often a secret.
Pornography related betrayals leave the non-pornography using partner questioning the foundation of the relationship. Trust, fidelity, honesty, transparency, intimacy, respect, desire, and love are all called into question. This is a normal reaction to learning about solo pornography use.
To learn more about the negative emotional reactions to learning about your partner viewing pornography, check out the free eBook Guide: Do You Have These Negative Symptoms Related To Your Partner Watching Pornography?
In short, friend or foe, relates to how it is used in the relationship. Pornography is not inherently bad or good. But depending on how it is used it can have negative or positive impacts on the relationship. For more on sex in a long term relationship, check out Relationship Psych - The Podcast Episode 21 The SECRET to GREAT Sex in a Long-Term Relationship.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.