Guide to Stay in Love During COVID
"I thought love would be my cure, but now it's my disease."
– Alicia Keyes, "Love Is My Disease". Don’t let this quote speak the truth for you.
With a possible second wave of coronavirus on the rise, here are some relationship tips to get you through this difficult time.
Jess and David had lived together for 4 years and worked opposite shifts. They shared a small space and that was okay because they spent so much time alone. With stay-home orders they have spent over 60 days together in 500 square feet. Their frustration mounted on day five. Jess walked over to the sink to fill her glass with water. Looking for her water glass her fists started to clench as hot flushed over her body. “It’s just a cup” she told herself, “David is just cleaning up, you can get another one”. Despite it “just being a cup in the dishwasher”, she wanted it on the counter. She liked using the same cup all day. It was comfortable and familiar to have it there. With the tension coiling through her body, she turned to David and snapped “you know I use the water glass, you’re so inconsiderate, stop cleaning up.”
David, immediately, on the defensive was hit with a rush of anger. He retaliated in a clipped tone, “just get another cup, calm down, you’re being irrational”. Jess fired back with venom in her voice “irrational? I’m irrational? You’re the irrational one for not allowing me to re-use my cup”. And back and forth they went, about a cup.
Household tasks and division of labor are common sore spots in relationships. They leave couples feeling unappreciated, invisible, disrespected, confused or misunderstood. Given that people went form a “normal” to being together 24/7, things that were once minor frustrations have turned into major arguments.
Simply by watching how a conversations starts, you can usually tell how it’s going to end. Start in a short-clipped tone, you can bet it’s going to end the same way. It’s important that couples state needs in a positive way, not a negative way. Stay away from pointing out what is wrong, blaming, criticizing, taking shots, defending, or withdrawing. Work to state your wishes and dreams as positive needs, not what you do not want.
Positive need: “I wish you could leave the cup on this coaster so I can use it all day.”
Pointing out what is wrong is: “You cleaned up my cup again, you’re so inconsiderate. You’re driving me crazy. Stop it.”
Five conversations have been remedying stay-at-home order related problems.
I have seen couples transform their relationships from mounting irritation to closeness and connection.
If you want re-connection and are looking for a done-for-you conversation guide, check out the Emotional Intimacy Cheat Sheet, to help you and your partner have connected and meaningful conversations.
Household Tasks
As you see with Jess and David, even simple things, like a water glass can fuel a major blow out, if the couple cannot find a new way to manage being together 24/7. I’ve seen couples have major blow outs about plates, spoons, homework, and laundry. If you don’t want a plate to fuel hate in your relationship, be sure to have a conversation to honor both partners needs and dreams about household tasks.
Together vs. Alone
Time Spending 24/7 with anyone can leave them grating on your nerves. Jess and David went from spending 1-2 hours a day together before bed in the less than 400 sq ft condo to 24 hours per day. They had to do some brainstorming to sort out how they could have their autonomy needs met. Time apart makes the time together special.
Expressing Appreciation
Transform mounting frustration to conversations about appreciation. Jess needed to take her sight off the water glass and see more of what David was doing right. By focusing on what was right she was able to feel more love and kindness towards him, and when she felt frustrated she could draw on those positive memories to soften her emotions.
Rituals of Connection
Family dinner, catching up after work, or sharing an evening tea are some of the rituals clients have shared with me in the past. Jess and David noted that after their stay-at-home order came into place, their ritual became watching the evening news and talking about Coronavirus. They ended up feeling out-of-touch with each other, despite spending 24/7 together. They got in-touch by creating a ritual for connection.
Date Night
With date spots basically extinct, Jess and David’s date night had become extinct too. They protested they didn’t need to date as they were spending so much time together. After looking at it, they realized their time was boring, frustrating and leading to irritation. They created time each week to do something fun and create positive memories to reinvigorate their connection.
These 5 conversations transformed Jess and David’s relationship from irritation to intimacy and joy.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.