The Secret Formula to Stay Emotionally Connected
by Amber Dalsin, M.Sc., C.Psych.
Connection is simpler than you think
Meeting that ‘perfect’ person, initially feels indescribably wonderful. The butterflies flutter in your stomach as you daydream about the upcoming dates ahead. With exhilaration flooding your body, you eagerly look forward to the next date. Early courtship is filled with pleasure inducing hormones, that around just long enough to have people fall in love, but then what? The hormones wane and you are left trying to keep the romance alive, and it’s not as easy as it was in the beginning.
Research from the masters and disasters of relationship clearly illustrate what sets successful romance apart from the those calling up a divorce lawyer. To set your relationship up for the best chance of success, it’s time to start regularly engaging in little actions, even if they don’t come easily.
Here are 6 tips to keep your connection alive:
1. Practice the art of kissing
This is more than a peck in the check. Dr. John Gottman suggests that a daily 6 second kiss, helps couples stay connected. It makes sense. Kissing is a way of connecting that release feel good hormones in the body.
For more on neuro chemo signals and the brain, check out Relationship Psych- The Podcast, Episode 20: Your Brain on Love.
2. Offer praise for what you appreciate
Increase intimacy and connection by talking more about what your partner has done (not what they have not). It is simple in concept, but occasionally hard in practice. With a household to tend to, jobs to be at, and the endless to-do lists, it can be easy to focus on what is lacking. When all you hear is what is wrong, eventually they may want to steer clear of the negative feedback. Try drawing your loved one near with praise for what they have done.
3. Seek to understand before trying to be understood
Asking questions is one of the easiest ways into someone’s heart. When we are genuine and show interest, we facilitate closeness. Use open-ended questions designed to open the heart. Stay away from judgmental questions about someone’s intention.
Want to know more about asking questions: check out the free pdf guide Emotional Intimacy Cheat Sheet for questions to help you open your partner’s heart.
4. We have two ears and one mouth for a reason
Listen, listen and listen more. Listen to what your partner has to say, and work to understand their inner world. In early courtship this is easy, and can be done for hours. Just because you think you know what someone will say, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask them and allow them to explain their view to you. By listening you stay close. Even when you know your partner very well, continue to update your knowledge of your partner.
5. Relax together
Stress takes a toll on the body and it can lead to emotional disengagement and a decrease in sex drive. To cope with stress the body stops the sex mechanisms to allow all available resources to be allocated preparing and responding to the current environment. Relaxing together can turn off the stress response, allowing the body to reengage in connection and even intimacy.
If you’re struggling with sex in your long term relationship, check out Episode 21 of Relationship Psych- The Podcast: The SECRET to GREAT Sex in a Long-Term Relationship.
6. Schedule regular date night
In early courtship, people put on their best clothes, and prepare to make a good impression. They go to dinner, get coffees, go for walks, and plan activities. With the passage of time and increasing comfort you may think “why bother going on a date when I saw them all day around the house?”. Sure you saw them, but is taking out the garbage and starting at your respective computer screens as romantic as a dinner at your favorite restaurant? Book some time for connection, and bring the spark back to life.
Happy and harmonious relationships take work. If you want a relationship that makes your heart skip a beat, taking little actions frequently is the magic to keeping the love alive.
If you’re reading this, you probably want to know the secrets to loving long term relationship. We created a FREE guide of 6 Small Things Successful Couples Do, to simplify the steps into micro actions that have massive results.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy or relationship counselling. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a relationship therapist in your area to address your specific problems.