34. Catastrophic Couples Conflict
Transform fretful fights to calm conversations
In this episode we are going to discuss 2 types of problems in relationships and how couples get stuck in fretful fights.
We will answer the questions:
So why are you fighting with your partner anyways?
Are fights even normal in relationships?
Do all couples fight?
We review common cognitive distortions in relationships.
We discuss the two things that happen in all couples conflicts.
I teach out about the number one predictor of divorce and how to overcome it.
This podcast is for informational purposes only.
Transcription (this is a close transcription. It may not be 100% accurate.)
Catastrophic Couples Conflict and How To Prevent It
Transform fretful fights to calm conversations.
In this episode we are going to discuss 2 types of problems in relationships and how couples get stuck in fretful fights.
So why are you fighting with your partner anyways?
Are fights even normal in relationships?
Do all couples fight?
Lets start with this. You live in your own body and brain, right? Have you ever been upset with yourself? Forgotten something important you? Make a commitment to yourself only to break it? Had mixed feelings on something? Okay, this is you, living in your own skin. Basically we get into fights with ourself. That being said, I think it would be pretty weird if you always saw eye to eye with your partner and you always got along…. Maybe you would be a robot.
In short, yes, all couples fight. Well at least they have disagreements. The word “fight” will mean something different to very couple. The conversations can be peaceful or catastrophic, but there will always be disagreement.
I’ll tell you after crawling into my warm bed on a recent winter evening, my husband and I began to walk the right rope walk between calm conflict and fretful fight… and you will come to hear… the conversation was about almost nothing, an issue soooooo small that most of you will balk, laugh, and think it’s ridiculous. I’m going to share this with you so you really see… how the number one thing couples fight about is…. Nothing.
We moved into a new home and our old fa acquired a clicking sound in the move. Ready to get that dreaded click out of our bed room, my husband purchases a new fan. there was a light on a new fan in our bedroom. I have had a hard time falling asleep for months, and due to this, I went to get some electrical tape to put over the blue light on the fan. As I went to do this my husband said “is it really that bad”… my response…. I wonder did this turn into a fight?
Now this is just a tiny thing, a small little blue light.
I wanted it off
He didn’t want me to put tape on the new fan he just bought.
He is not bothered by little noises or odd lights.
I am.
I am sensitive to external noise and lights that blink. I have been known to blow out candles on restaurant tables while we are out because the flickering bothers by eyes and distracts me from conversations… I do this only to have an apologetic server come by and try to relight my candle, to which I explain, I blew it out.
This is just the back story. The back story here is important. This tiny blue light is connected to all my little quirks and oddities. It is connected to the things that feel like nails on a chalk board to me. In my skin these tiny things make me feel like I can’t concentrate, can’t relax, can’t think. To other people… it’s just a tiny blue light. No problem.
Ah ha, this here is the difference between a situation, some fact of life- there is a tiny blue. That is the only part of this that is objective to both my partner and I.
Outside of the facts- the sensory input we take in through the world, we also have our subjective interpretation, what this sensory input means to us.
Since we are all different people, different things have different meaning.
To my husband I imagine the little blue light was just that, a tiny blue light, no big deal.
To me, the tiny blue light signified another barrier against falling asleep, anther night of tossing and turning, another day of waking up exhausted.
Same situation
Two different subjective interpretations.
Very different.
Without us telling each other our own subjective interpretations, there is no way, the other person is going to know. They are there own person, with their own background history and their own way to see the world.
Although, at times it really does feel as if our partner can read our minds… well that is because sometimes they can… but a great deal of the time they can’t… or their mind reading crystal ball is actually wrong and they are getting the wrong message.
Then we make a critical teeny tiny error… such a common mistake.
We get stuck in one of the most common cognitive distortions.
The relationship mind trap that has caused more fights that I can even tell you.
My couples therapy room is filled with them
Alright here is the tiny error…. Thinking they “should” know.
Of course in the moment that tiny blue light starting shining in my room, I wanted my husband to read my mind and thought he should know what was bothering me, since after all I have been having trouble sleeping since just a few weeks into the pandemic. Prior to this I was a great sleeper.
However, because he does not live in my brain, he does not always understand how this is impacting me. It’s not happening to him.
Sooo although I wish he just got it, he doesn’t… and if I was in his shoes, I probably wouldn’t get it quite right either.
So now we are getting to the nitty gritty of couples conflict.
All couples conflict contains two very important parts.
1. The actual problem. In this case a teeny tiny little blue light
2. How the couple talks about the problem.
Well now you have all the back story… the tiny blue light.
Where couples take a tiny little thing, an almost nothing thing and blow it up, is in how they talk to each other.
It’s a hint of down, an err of being spoken down to, a touch of criticism, a raise in volume (basically criticism, contempt or sarcasm- that transforms a peaceful disagreement to a fretful fight.
Do you know what the number 1 predictor of divorce is?
Harsh start up.
So… watch out for this.
If you want to know the second biggest predictor of divorce, check out episode 24 4 ways to create a fight. The fight patterns in this episode are the 2nd predictor.
In this case, my partner have had enough fretful fights in our relationship. We are pretty aware of our strengths and weaknesses. We are also pretty committed to a peaceful loving relationship… most of the time.
When he commented that the little blue light wasn’t a big deal, how do you imagine I felt.
Honestly I don’t even remember what came next.
All I know is I could feel my body getting tight and a tension rising into my chest.
Uhoh---- this is called emotional flooding, when you can’t even think or see straight all of a sudden. It was happening to me in a instant, what was seemingly about a little blue light, but when I felt dismissed and rejected, with a hint of disbelief from my partner I immediately got my back up, and this is where this conversation had the potential to go array… this is the critical moment where the conversation stops being about the tiny blue light and almost became about how we were communicating.
Thank goodness for relationship repairs and a commitment to soft start ups…
I didn’t plan this, couldn’t have if I wanted to. I was too worked up. But I looked at my wonderful husband, who I know actually is not meaning to hurt me, and I had the where with all in that moment to say something about not wanting to fight.
To which he accepted my influence, he must have seen the fight coming too. He said he loved me and we went to bed.
Whoa… crisis averted. I did get to turn off the little blue light and he let it go.
So we dealt with the two problems. 1. The little blue light. 2. The communication problem.
I also used the antidote to harsh start up- soft start up. I was kind and respectful in how I communicated that I didn’t want to fight.
If you are interested in more on the soft start up- just text 1-313-710-9683 for the 3 step script talking so he listens. Essentially this is a quick and powerful template to soft starts in a conversation.
So since you and your partner are different people, you have different background histories and different irritations in life, simple situations, about almost nothing have the potential for a fretful fight. Some couples problems will never, ever be solved.
The antidote to this, is being able to talk about the things that will never change in respectful ways.
Okay, I know you want your partner to change… but if they don’t just think about talking to them like they are someone you love, even if you aren’t seeing eye to eye with them. Just remember you live inside yourself and sometimes your own two eyes don’t even see eye to eye. It would be unrealistic to think you would always see eye to eye with your partner.
So stay away from the harsh words and criticism when you aren’t getting along.
Just so you don’t have to rewind, this is a reminder to check out the 3 step script. Talking so he listens. Just test 1-313-710-9683.
Until next time!
This podcast is not meant to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any mental health or relationship problem. Please see a psychologist, or marriage and family therapist in your area for more help for your specific problem.