36. How to calmly bring up a sensitive topic with your partner
Because past pains can cause current sore spots.
In this episode we cover 4 steps to bring up a sensitive topic.
We review a predictor of divorce and how to prevent it
We talk about how to calm down and why.
We discuss communication and timing.
This podcast is for informational purposes only.
Transcription (this is a close transcription. It may not be 100% accurate.)
How to calmly bring up a sensitive topic.
Because past pains can cause current sore spots.
Do you know what the number one predictor of divorce is?
Many couples don’t, so they make the mistake of forcing their partner in to conversations full of harsh words, yelling, and emotional injury. By the end of the conversation each person is hurt and the couple ends off worse off.
The main points each person was trying to make are lost, and well… maybe they aren’t going to bed angry, but maybe they are.
That number 1 predictor of divorce is called harsh startup- yes, this will happen even in great relationships from time to time, but when it is the dominant style in a relationship, this will cause problems.
The number 1 things you can do is use a soft start up. To do this, it’s critical to regulate your nervous system and be calmish… not perfect… but have some degree of emotional togetherness. When our heart rate at rest is over 100bpm we are primed to harsh or shut down. These things will sabotage calmly bringing up a sensitive topics.
Because improving your emotional regulation skills has the power to improve your relationship, I created the guide 50 strategies to calm anger and anxiety. You can use it to generate ideas about what you can do to calm down and create a custom plan to gain control over how you feel, so you can calmly bring up a difficult topic. To get the free guide just text 50 to 1(313)710-9683. Hit pause, go to your text enter the number 1(313) 710-9683 and text 50.
If you have a friend that is struggling in their relationship, and you know that harsh start up is likely part of the problem, lovingly share this episode with them.
Now lets talk about 3 things you can do today to talk about past sensitive topics that are causing current sore spots in your relationship.
1. Be kind
2. Understand what’s in it for your partner to talk about this
3. Understand what is in it for you to talk about this
4. The end result you want to achieve from the conversation
Many people know there is a sore spot and they go in accusatory and say things like “this is your abandonment issues”. Now… whoa that is a blame statement – harsh start up and will end in a fight.
The number 1 thing to remember in a conversation like this is to be gentle and very kind. For example
Babe, I love you and I know we have to think about something that is hard and vulnerable for you.
The softer you are the easier it is to talk about hard things because it feel safe.
2. Understand what’s in it for them. We are much more likely to have a conversation when it will actually benefit us. So is this just for you? Or is it for them too. This doesn’t mean you have to say, this will help you. This is more of a mental framework. Will it help them so you can be closer? Will it help them to feel more grounded? Think of the end vision that would help them to achieve. It is more helpful to talk about the dream of a solution than talking about what is wrong.
Consider the following.
If I said to you.
You don’t need to feel abandoned. I’m not your exes. When I say that, how do you feel? Does it feel kind and safe?
Now consider this.
Babe, I love you. I want you to feel safe in our relationship at all time. When I say that how do you feel, does it feel kind and safe?
When we can understand what’s in it four our partner we can craft our words to make the conversations safer. A safer conversation is a better conversation.
3. What’s in it for you to talk about the conversation.
Many people automatically things about what they want to stop happening.
They will say “I want you to stop nagging” “I want you to stop smothering me” “I want you to stop distancing”.
Now imagine flipping those statements into a positive that you want in a conversation
This is what is really in it for you- the positive outcome
I want us to have a shared solution where we are both accountable to what we said we are going to and do it.
I want to have autonomy and freedom while in a loving relationship
I want to have a connected relationship even in stressful times.
It is way easier to hear dreams and positive needs rather than negative statements
Four. What’s end end result you want from the conversation.
Clearly spell that out. Because having a vulnerable conversation about sore spots and feel like someone is sticking a knife in a bloody wound.
To make it feel like the wound is slowly getting stitched up, not made bigger, it’s important to talk about shared goals and shared ideas. I want a stronger relationship with you.
I want us to both feel loved and be able to take space
I want us to both have a relationship where we feel respected and valued.
Okay- I get it- it’s waaaaayyyy simpler to just say whatever comes to mind. People tell me all the time, I’m just being honest, or it should just be natural.
Ask yourself this- is what you’re doing helping?
If it is, okay, do more of that.
If it’s not, consider doing things a different way.
A major barrier that gets in the way of being gentle and soft start up is big emotions- because those past pains crop us a current sore spots. When we are activated by an old sore spot- our nervous system can into fight, flight or freeze.
As a result it’s important to calm down before the conversation, and maybe even take breaks as you are taking to prevent a fretful fight.
To regulate our nervous systems takes work- that’s why I created the guide 50 strategies to calm anger and anxiety. This will help you to Discover how the fight or flight response is hijacking your emotions, and how to regain control. It give 50 strategies and a place for you put create your custom guide to calming down. To get it just text 50 to 1(313)710-9683. Hit pause, go to your text enter the number 1(313) 710-9683 and text 50.
Talking about delicate topics like old sore spots sometimes is just too delicate for a couple to navigate on their own. It can be helpful to access support like couples therapy, we you feel like an obstacle is too big to navigate alone. You can have a professional guide to support you through it.
To summarize- be kind, use soft start up and talk about things in a positive way, and download that guide for tips to calm down.
This podcast is not meant to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any mental health or relationship problem. Please see a psychologist, or marriage and family therapist in your area for more help for your specific problem.