37. Secrets Behind Creating a Love That Lasts With Different Attachment Styles
How to break free from connection problems, even if one partner is avoidant or the other is anxious.
Many couples want a safe connection, with open communication. They want the rejection, loneliness, disrespect or the fear of not being enough for their partner to end. They just want to feel… safe.
In this episode we are going to cover what attachment styles are, and a simple tool that can help create connection no matter your attachment styles.
We use the TV show Bridgeton to illustrate different attachment styles.
We discuss the two dimensions of attachment: avoidance and anxiety.
We review and the four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and anxious avoidant.
The sound relationship house and building love maps.
How to create connection through friendship.
If you feel like you need help connecting with your partner I’ve got a simple template for you to conversations to increase connection between you and your partner.
I want to teach you to empower yourself and your partner with done-for-you questions to ask each other to deepen emotional communication.
Get it now, click the link, put in your information, and have the cheat sheet delivered right to your inbox.
https://www.emberrelationshippsychology.com/emotional-intimacy-cheat-sheet
This podcast is not meant to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any medical, mental or relationship issue. Seek out a local couples therapist in your area to see if this information is right for your relationship.
Transcription (this is a close transcription. It may not be 100% accurate.)
The secret behind creating a love that lasts with any attachment style
How to break free from connection problems, even if one partner is avoidant or the other is anxious.
Many couples want a safe connection, with open communication. They want the rejection, loneliness, disrespect or the fear of not being enough for their partner to end. They just want to feel… safe.
In this episode we are going to cover what attachment styles are, and a simple tool that can help create connection no matter your attachment styles.
Since I have also been watching Bridgerton, lets talk about them to help us understand the message.
Simon is a enigmatic, charming, but also detached young man of marrying age who has found himself in England at the heart of the party season, where the goal of those at marrying age is to find a partner. Now a quite handsome and seemingly well educated man, and from the gossip on the streets of the show, he has no problems finding himself a women companion. The issues is Simon does not want one. Simon’s father desperately wanted a son. Finally they had one. Simon’s mother died after giving birth to him. Despite his fathers enthusiasm for wanting a son to carry out the family name, his father saw Simon as nothing but a disappointment. The show displays a small Simon sitting at a learning desk writing his letter. His father marches in the room, and demands young Simon to speak. Young Simon does not speak. His father hurls insults, and shames the small boy with a language problem. Eventually young Simon is taken under the wing of his late mother’s dear friend Lady Danbury, who vows to teach the struggling little boy to speak. Over the years, Simon writes to his father, to say he is not dead. One day, Simon and Lady Danbury go see Simon’s father, and small Simon speaks to his father, with a small little stutter. The small boy is once again rejected by his father, abandoned, and told he is unwanted. Laster in the show, with Simon’s father on his death bed, he promises his father he will not carry on the family name, the family name will end with him.
On the surface, Simon is charming, and great looking… but as this story shows, there is a lot going on beneath the surface, so much that the average looker cannot see.
Lets go through the attachment styles and learn about Simon.
Attachment styles range in dimensions The dimensions are this we have people that are avoidance and anxiety . Then you have 4 dimensions that come as a result of either being high and low and avoidance And either high or low in anxiety. This would be a great time to pause and crap a notebook if you want to understand this further , or you can even quickly Google attachment styles dimensions so that you have a visual to help you understand what I'm talking about. So let's go over the attachment styles in understanding these dimensions.
We have what are called secure attachments these are for people that are low in anxiety in relationships with others and low and avoidance in relationships with others these people usually feel comfortable with intimacy and don't really obsess about the relationship they coast along they want closeness but they can also be apart from their partner.
Next we have what is called anxious . People who have anxious attachment are usually low in avoidance and high anxiety. This means they really deeply want to be close and connected to their partner and at the same time they have a number of fears that relates to not getting their emotional needs met or their partner eventually leaving them either physically or emotionally. Often these people get the label of needy . Just a note needed doesn't necessarily mean bad and if you want to understand more about this see the episode called is healthy dependencies possible ep 35 just so that we don't give needy about rap.
the next style is called avoidant these are the people that are low in anxiety but they are high in avoidance. These are the kinds of people that end up feeling odd and don't prefer when things are very close are intimate. They have a high degree of autonomy and a sense of wanting freedom.
Lastly we have a style called anxious avoidant these people are both high in relationship anxiety and highly avoidant these are the people that feel very off kilter in anxiety and at the same time they're fearful of their partner being too far away.
this is just a high level summary but I want you to understand that different people have different attachment styles, we aren't all the same. Although in our minds we think we are usually right and we wish our partner thought the same way we did.
Our attachment styles can differ relationship to relationship , however most of the time they have a great deal to do with our early learning and development. There is always a behind how we do relationships. Our beliefs about relationships come from our family of origins, usually are primary caregivers, whether our home was felt safe consistent predictable and reliable, how we fit in at school, our relationships with our peers. Overtime if we have a number of experiences with other partners we could also cultivate attachment interframe works from them. You could also start up in one attachment style in a relationship and given the right set of pains or circumstances or things going right your attachment style can change.
So understanding the story behind an attachment style attachment styles tend to make more sense. In Simon story we hear about a young boy who wasn't wanted by his father, who had a mother who was dad, and he was lovingly taken in by lady Danbury. What do you imagine this young boy learned about connection with people that are supposed to be there for you ? Do you think that felt safe. He also vows not put himself in a position where his name can carry on. Do you think this sets him up for wanting a safe, close, and connected relationship to another person, probably not.
add a ball he doesn't really wanna be at Daphne Bridgerton , trying to get away from another suitor, crashes into him. The two bicker and kind of quipping insult each other. Daphne’s brother comes by and knows introduces them and talks about how this is his sister.
Daphne has encountered the social season with high hopes she will find a partner. She was given great blessings from the Queen and was originally thought that she would be a highly desirable partner with many suitors. Her brother, who is overly protective, doesn't really let young men at this ball socialize with her period he has something wrong and finds fault with every person who seems to take interest, and also makes them leave the party early. It seems as though the social custom was after the ball the homes where there's many quarters and people lining up to spend time with the young women. But at Daphne's home there's crickets she's really hurt and upset with her brother she's in a position where she was thought to be desirable but she finds herself alone. To make matters worse there's a gossip column writer who writes about her failings and how she thought she was going to be the Belle of the ball and finds herself on the outskirts.
Now through serious events Simon and Daphne find themselves plotting to help all of according women and mothers trying to advance her social position to stay away from Simon as he wants to be single . In their plot they are also framing for Daphne to look more desirable by being with Simon. They concoct a small plan to become the talk of the town.
They make a verbal contract for how many balls and dances to attend together. Throughout the balls and the dances you see them gazing at each other lovingly, holding hands, giggling, smiling, and truly just cultivating deep connection . The people around them are convinced that the two are going to end up together and in love. The two of them are thinking they're just there so that they can have their needs met, Daphne finding somebody else and Simon getting to be single and leave at the end of the social season.
Daphne falls for Simon. Simon falls for Daphne. But they want different things. Daphne seems to have a normal and healthy desire for closest she's low and anxiety and also seems to have a healthy desire for autonomy and freedom and wants to have a partner to share her life with, therefore being low in avoidance. Now I'm just guessing about her there's not a ton of information about her attachment style but based on the way that she shows up I'm thinking she's likely secure. naturally after cultivating connection with this man , getting close to him and not fearing that she falls for him. This makes her want to marry him . That sounds like a pretty normal reaction right? For a lot of the population this is he fall in love it feels good so you go on and you make them take the next step.
This isn't so for Simon falls in love and wants out. He is someone who is highly avoidant of close connection. He feels uncomfortable with intimacy and romance, an certainly does not want to pass on his family name. Simon is become the master of mixed signals valuing his independence and wanting his freedom, while also chasing Daphne down in a garden to kiss her. He emphasizes his boundaries and that they are done, while on the other hand wanting to be with her.
I’m not going to Spoil the ending, but I think if you watch Netflix , even just the trailer you're going to know what happens.
So what made this man who doesn't want connection, fall in love with someone who does. One of the key factors here was the friendship they created.
In the research by the Gottman's , which is a lot of research they have created a theory which is called the sound relationship house. It has a number of layers and the way I describe it to my clients is the house needs a solid foundation and strong walls to hold the roof up. If you don't have a secure foundation in place in your walls are all cracked it doesn't really matter if you have shared dreams which are the roof of the house because the base of your house isn't there to support it and keep it up. The first part of the house the foundation, is called love Maps, which really means letting your partner know your inner world which is essentially the framework for a deep friendship.
Attachment Styles and Creating Connection
Weird thought- what if passionate relationships were like amped up awesome friendships.
What if through cultivating a deep knowing of our partner and them knowing us we could stop feeling so lonely, and disconnected.
No one should have to feel alone with the person, that is supposed to be “their person.”
After working with thousands of clients I have learned, after years of being together, many couples find the friendship fizzles out, they are like passing ships in the night.
I want you to know the secret foundation to a relationship that is clear in the relationship research.
Friendship, is at the foundation of a great relationship. A knowing of each other, time spent together, listening to each other, discussing what is right (and at times what is wrong).
Two simple ideas to cultivate this friendship:
1. At the end of the “work day” spend 20 minutes talking about your days at least 5 days a week. (That’s less than 20 hours per week).
2. Plan a date night where you do an activity together that takes 1-2 hours a week.
These small actions can have big results.
Not sure how to have a 20 minute conversation with your partner?
I can teach you how to transform disconnected conversations to emotionally intimate connections. I created the Emotional Intimacy Cheat Sheet so you and your partner have a guide for what questions to ask as you talk about your day.
Get it now, text Cheat to 1(313)710-9683 for your FREE guide: Emotional Intimacy Cheat Sheet. Hit pause right now and text Cheat to 1(313)710-9683 for your FREE guide: Emotional Intimacy Cheat Sheet
Let's be careful here for a second, I'm not saying that you can make an avoidant person fall in love with you and want to have a strong relationship. I am saying that it is possible to create a more safe and secure relationship for both of you by getting to know each other's inner worlds. Very often the avoidant person need space after a period of emotional closeness which can feel counter intuitive to people who don't need that space. People who aren't avoidant tend to feel close and it felt good so they want more closeness or they feel good being close or not being close . Worse for people who are avoidant the closeness actually makes them uncomfortable and then they need space. So at times even being very close with people can drive them further away. However if a person recognizes they are avoidant, and is open to creating a safety where they can become more secure, and generate closeness in a way that feels good for them you can use these strategies.
I also think that in building a great friendship and getting show your partners in our world you can learn how to navigate the differences in your needs for freedom autonomy togetherness and connection.
Now if you have a secure relationship this is great to enhance it and build an even stronger and more secure relationship.
And going back to the anxious person, and listening to the episode is healthy dependency possible which is episode 35 , we know that the more you make the anxious person feel safe, secure, and loved, the less anxious they become . This is called the dependency paradox. So ironically the more attention you give them and meet their needs, the less needs they have. So by implementing a strategy where you talk everyday and you help them meet their emotional needs, you might actually find you get more freedom and flexibility.
How you can to break free from connection problems, Is focusing on the friendship. Spend time getting to know each others in her worlds in less than an hour and a half or two hours a week , spread it out overtime. In addition plants and activities to do and I think that's important especially if we think of how men and women typically relate to each other differently. Many men if you look at their friendships or like activity partners where they play sports or they do things together, talk about sports and politics . Whereas women tend to talk with their friends about personal matters and even pastimes can be spent talking. So one of the things to do to cultivate connection especially if you're a opposite sex couple, is make time for both talking, and activity so that there is many ways to connect .
Again if you feel like you need help connecting with your partner I’ve got a simple template for you to conversations to increase connection between you and your partner.
I want to teach you to empower yourself and your partner with done-for-you questions to ask each other to deepen emotional communication.
Get it now, click the button.
This podcast is not meant to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any mental health or relationship problem. Please see a psychologist, or marriage and family therapist in your area for more help for your specific problem.